WILL POWER - Just do it!

Getting settled

2012-01-23T18:33:00.000+05:30

I'm slowly getting settled at work... as an intern. The first few weeks were really tough.It was depressing really. I had to struggle to go each day. My mom gave me some important advice. She told me to think positively. And that has helped dramatically. It's simple really. I already knew it... I guess I just needed someone to reinforce it.
Now I know what to expect, how to learn, how to ask and how the hospital runs... and a lot of other stuff.
I haven't been able to spend much time at all with my lover. I guess that added to it all. We're getting through it. Managing to communicate even though both of us are terribly busy.
36 hour duties are a common place now. I just need to make sure I eat regularly. And sleep when I can!
I hate sleeping on post-duty days because it seems like such a waste of free time. But I'm usually so tired that I drift off.
When I get a day off, I love to spend it lazing around and reading a novel. That part is cool... :) The no exams part.. lol. Oh, did I mention the "being called Dr." part? That's pretty cool too... you know beginner's enthusiasm and all that. I'm sure it'll wear off. But right now it's pretty cool :)
I get to prescribe. And while that was scary initially, 'cause you know you're dealing with someone's life, I'm better at it now. Treat what you know, consult what you don't. And the most important thing that I am following is the "do no harm" part.
I'm in my pediatrics rotation for the next two weeks. I really love it. And I'm sure I'm going to take pediatrics. It feels right.
I need to keep revising my knowledge and updating it or it'll get rusty. Haven't gotten to that part yet.
Still trying out a routine where I do everything I want to do AND everything I need to do. But it's kinda hard when I spend 80% of my awake time at the hospital. I feel like I'm living there and hospital staff have become my family... lol.
This is the first time I'm visiting my own blog since my last post... so don't be mad at me if I haven't read yours. I'm getting there! :D
Hope you got a good start to the year!

A "New" Year

2012-01-01T16:36:00.000+05:30

There's something about a fresh start, a clean slate, that appeals to me. I love it. Wish you all a happy new year!

I don't do the whole "resolution" thing. If you're going to start something or take a resolution, you don't need to wait for the new year to start.
Instead, I decide on few things I want to accomplish. So far it's working out pretty well.

I think the first few days were so hard 'cause all hospital procedures (like filling forms and stuff) were new to me and I was out of practice due to my holidays. Also the running around from floor to floor after a whole day of travelling didn't help either. Add to that flu and you have a frustrated intern.

Now it's much better. Ophthal is starting to grow on me. It's pretty cool :) Before I know it, the week will be over and I'll be moving onto paediatrics.

1 week down, 51 more to go!

You know you're an intern when...

2011-12-28T18:43:00.001+05:30

When you shuffle paperwork back and forth between various departments, various floors and various blocks.

When 7 different people express "displeasure" towards you for no reason of yours.

When at the end of the day, you wonder what you learned and realized it's a big fat nothing.

When you want to be a student again.

When you work SUNDAYS! (This is the worst one for me!)

When residents become sadists and make you stay back just because they haven't finished their work.

When you become the scapegoat for everything.

When you're the bottom of the food chain ergo everyone wants you to get something done for them.

When you find yourself drawing blood more times than you can count.

When you've spent the whole day running around.

When you feel the need for sneakers or when you've got blisters.

When you're craving sleep.

When you get screwed over for applying for sanctioned holidays. Yeah, they expect you to work even the days that are supposed to be off. And they make you feel like an idiot for wanting some time off.

When you're hungry for food.

When you just want to put your feet up and sleep.

I'm sure there's more... I'll add to this list when I think of it.

Holidays

2011-12-24T14:07:00.000+05:30

This is the longest holiday I've had in over 3 years. 25 days.

It's been a busy holiday. Baby-sitting does tend to take up a lot of your time. lol. I love my nephew but damn if I ever had illusions about how hard or rather time consuming parenting is ... I've been set straight. :-/ It has been fun playing with him though.

I've been cooking some, helping out my mom, touring (mountain trekking and visiting forts), shopping, catching up on my emails, facebook, keeping up with blogs with google reader (I can't open your sites where I'm staying... Thank God for google reader...lol), design drawing, trying glass painting, watching movies, reading a few novels (let's not forget that! :P) and getting my life organized (hint hint - I'm a neat-freak).

I have so many more things I would like to do. I was looking at my list in the morning (Yes, I have a list for the holidays :D ...lol) and I've done only half of the stuff I wanted to get done during the hols. It's much better than my previous holidays though.

My parents have been arguing a lot. It's exhausting to stay around people who argue all the time. Sometimes I wish they were separate. It would be much easier to deal with them that way. Don't get me wrong. I love them both. My mother is so special to me. My father ... well, it's complicated. He's set in his ways and doesn't change them.

I'm more than ready to get back to the hospital and start my internship. I like frequent shorter breaks.

I'm going to start earning for the first time in my life. It's not much. But I don't care. I'm donating my first salary entirely. Need to look into where...

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas.

Here's to family and all their complications :)!

And the results are out!

2011-12-08T17:50:00.001+05:30

I passed! And I've officially completed all the exams I'm required to take for medical school.

more to come.... :)

I'm done!

2011-12-02T23:51:00.001+05:30

So, I'm officially done and I can't freaking believe it.

I'm so tired and I haven't had a proper night's sleep in I don't know how long....

Didn't even get to sleep last night.. my nephew kept me awake. He's so cute :) and I'm baby-sitting him all my vacation. :D :D He has so much energy and I end up more exhausted than him. lmao

So much to do, so little time.

I'm so disoriented. Don't have the slightest clue of where everything is. I love order. I function in order. So being disorganized makes me take double the time for everything.

Not to mention my list of things I need to get done during the hols, before I start my intership :P

I know this isn't a very coherent post. Hope I get some time soon.

Thanks for all the support! :)

-Couldn't have done it without my blog. :)

The last 5 days

2011-11-26T20:30:00.001+05:30

It's the last 5 days of my semester.
.
.
.
.
I started counting some 20 or so weeks back.

Once I'm done with this exam, I'm DONE! (at least for the next few years...lol)

I know I'm not supposed to be thinking about my vacation when my exams are still not over, but I can't help it. I've got a hundred things planned and I'm so excited!

*doing the inner joy dance*

After 2 months of almost non-stop exams, I'm beyond due...

I'm so happy that I don't even feel my usual pre-exam nerves. Although, I do think their ugly faces will make an appearance by the time I leave for my exam on Monday morning.

These exams are clinical assessments, something that I've always done better than theory. And there's the orals (where the examiner can ask you any question... I do tend to get nervous, but I think that's normal).

When I'm done with these exams... ah *happy sigh*.... I'll post more about that later.

Now, I need to study and not get carried away...lol.

7 things about me you didn't know

2011-11-21T16:13:00.001+05:30

1. I am 5'4", have brown eyes and black hair.

2. I am a vegetarian.

3. I have never had a pet in my life.

4. I have visited 6 countries in the past 20 years.

5. English is not my mother tongue. Although I do tend to think in English most of the time.

6. I am living smack in the middle of a construction zone. If you've never been in the middle of one, let me tell you, It's DAMN annoying.

7. My last theory exam is on Wednesday and then I have only clinical assessments left.

I am posting this just 'cause I found it interesting and Serenity urged me to. :)

Marathon

2011-11-15T21:42:00.001+05:30

This is going to sound weird. (just warning y'all!)

Okay, my last exam wasn't so hot. One of the sections I messed up pretty bad. I read the wrong question and wrote a different answer. The other section was good. So, I hope that compensates for my blunder.

We have a gap of one day between exams. So, yesterday although I started studying for tomorrow's exam I didn't cover much. Today morning, I didn't have my focus at all. I sat down to study but every damn time my mind kept wandering to that damn question. Kept worrying. Didn't do much at all in the morning either.

After lunch, I was surfing the net. I have recently started reading a lot of things Wicca. I like it. Anyway, I just picked a Tarot card today (online...lol). Usually while I read astrology, horoscopes and believe in Tarot cards to an extent, I take them pretty lightly. I don't do anything based on them.

Today I picked the Tarot of the Hanged Man and I read the interpretation at http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/learn/meanings/hangedman.shtml

Towards the end of the interpretation, it said something about a sacrifice of some sort. I wasn't about to change my beliefs, wasn't in a position to give money or any of the other things listed there. So I sacrificed my break time and I decided to study for 8 hours focussed... lol

I closed my laptop at 12.45 pm with this picture in it...lol.

(Let me tell you.. it did help. But I never actually opened the laptop. Just knowing I would see that if I opened it, stopped me from doing that)

I stopped whining about not being able to focus and I just did. I don't know why but the Tarot kept me focussed. There's no logical reason but it worked so I'm not questioning it :P

And I went on an 8 hour marathon. I completed so much that I'm pretty amazed by myself and teeny bit smug. I was also completely tired by the end and just needed lie down for 10 minutes even though I had done no physical work... lol. I think I'll split it up into 4 and 4 next time... :P

Not only that I feel confident about an exam for the first time in a long time.

So that's my 'weird but totally worth it' experience for today!

Growing

2011-11-12T21:22:00.001+05:30

I am giddy happy right now.

Because

I just realized that a few things I was desperately hoping for only a year and a half back has come true.

It was on my wish list in my diary, which I was just reading. I didn't even realize that it had happened. I guess I was working towards it subconsciously and consistently.

The reason I didn't know I had gotten what I had asked for was,
as I kept progressing, my goals got higher and so did my dreams and wishes.

I grew! And that makes me happy beyond reason.

It gives me the confidence to continue now that I have proof that the universe is listening... lol.

I bet a lot of you have already had your dreams come true. It's just that as life goes on you forget that you asked for it and that you are actually living it!

I can make new dreams now, dream higher and I know that I have it within me to make them come true. So it'll happen. Just in its own time.

Okay, now back to studying... Ummm, EXAMS... lol.

The power of Action

2011-11-10T11:51:00.001+05:30

I have improved lots in my self-control department. I can say, "No", most of the time. I can do this consciously now and it's getting easier. Actually it's much easier than I expected. Once I got past those first two weeks it all became much easier. And you know what the best part is?

When you know you can do it in one aspect of your life, if falls in place so easily in all the other aspects. You believe yourself and your self-confidence increases dramatically. I'm absolutely loving the place I am in right now.

There's just one small glitch in all that. I realized that not doing destructive stuff isn't enough, go figure! Lol.
There's no point in denying yourself all the enjoyment only to sit and brood in that time. You need to use that time productively. If you're not doing that, you might as well be enjoying life; why stay miserable?

Following that logic, if you're not doing something productive, you need to be enjoying. And if you're not enjoying, you need to be doing that productive "something". The important thing is to make sure you balance the two every single day. No exceptions.

Do something useful everyday. The most important thing on your list. Give it priority. Don't split yourself in some many directions that you don't know which way to head.

Act toward the place you want to be. Act now.

A little tip (irrelevant to the current topic, just thought I'd mention it since I read about it recently):
The way you think helps dramatically. When you think about the means rather than the end, it's tougher to get motivated.

I have to go to the gym to exercise.
Think less on the details of exercise.
Exercise helps me be a healthier individual.

I have to go to the library to study.
Think less on the details of studying.
Studying helps me be a better doctor/person as the case may be.

Ergo, think about the big picture. The end not the means.

Typing

2011-10-30T22:06:00.001+05:30

Now that my revision exams are over, I have to start preparing for the University exams which start in just a little over a week.

I took the day off today. And I was restless... I know! I'm supposed to be relaxing and in a way I was. But that nagging feeling was there all day. As if my subconscious was trying to tell me, "How can you stop studying all of a sudden? I'm going into withdrawal study some more!" But I resisted and watched a movie, chatted with my friend, downloaded songs, danced, played sudoku and improved my typing speed.

Clear blue skies

2011-10-28T14:47:00.001+05:30

It's been raining all week. And I've been getting drenched almost everyday, either in the morning or afternoon, on the way to the hospital. Finally today, we have clear blue skies. And it looks beautiful. It's not everyday that we get a view like this.

Long and exhausting

2011-10-27T19:16:00.002+05:30

It's been such a long and exhausting day. My day started at 4 in the morning. It took a turn for the worse in the afternoon. But now, I've put it behind me. It's time to move on. Start studying for the next exam.... which is tomorrow... Yep, no break.

So this is what I'm looking forward to tomorrow. And the day after and the day after that. More studying... lol.
You get the picture.

That's my pediatric practical text book and my stethoscope. Yep, my clinical assessment tomorrow is pediatrics.

Pictures

2011-10-26T20:23:00.000+05:30

Whoever said that a picture speaks a thousand words wasn't kidding.
I was reading my friend's blog and she recently started a photo blog of sorts. I liked it a lot and decided that I'm doing it too...lol. It's lot of fun and much more interesting.

It's Diwali today, which is an Indian festival. It's something like Christmas. Prayers, Sweets, Crackers, New Clothes and Lamps. I enjoy it a lot :P

Unfortunately, it has been almost four consecutive years since I've been able to celebrate it properly. Somehow it always winds up before an exam. The date changes every year in case you are wondering... it falls on the New Moon day around Oct/Nov.

Responsibility

2011-10-24T00:16:00.002+05:30

That’s aword a lot of us dread. We don’t like it at all. If not consciously then atleast sub-consciously. We shirk away from it. Or at least I do. Personally, I'm just scared with all that it entails.

Hopefullythis post will make me take a step towards it.

The firststep is to want to be responsible. The second step is to DO something about it.

I think thatholds true with EVERY personal development goal.

‘Want andDo’

‘Desire andAction’

****************************************************

So let’s start at the origin of the word. It’s a relativelynew word originating in the late 1700s when the constitution was beingdiscussed. It has more of a political origin to it. Only in the 20^thcentury did responsibility become personal.

There arelots of types of responsibilities like retrospective, prospective, etc.

Retrospectiveis when you’ve done something wrong and you accept blame for it and holdyourself accountable.
Andprospective responsibility is something you are duty-bound to do. For example,taking good care of your children is your duty. You ought to do it despiteeverything else that may be happening in your lives.

Now, justbecause a person is supposed to do something, doesn’t mean they always do it.They know it’s wrong and yet they keep on persisting. There can be lots ofreasons for this. Bad habits, low self-esteem, inertia, dislike of work oraction, repetitive failures, lack ofmotivation, procrastination, fear, hate for change and of course the mostobvious one - laziness.

So who is‘the responsible person’?

(Accordingto an encyclopedia on this site: http://www.iep.utm.edu/responsi/)

· The responsible person can be relied on tojudge and to act in certain desirable ways. The person can be trustedto exercise initiative and to demonstrate commitment; and when thingsgo wrong, such a person will be prepared to take responsibility for dealingwith things.

· One way of putting this might be to say that the responsibleperson can be counted on take her responsibilities seriously.

· We will not need to hold her responsible, because we candepend on her holding herself responsible.

The words: relied on, act, trust andcommitment literally stare at me. Those are all words I associate withresponsibility. Akin to trust, responsibility also has to be earned. The moreresponsible you are the more people trust you with things. They know they can dependon you.

When someone says,“You have my word.”

It really does not mean anything. Itall depends on who’s doing the talking; his track record, his past and hiswillingness to change or to prove himself.

I am sorry to say that the past doescount when you want to prove yourself responsible. But that doesn’t mean youshould give up. It only means that you have to follow through and be consistentbefore you can ask for the responsibility.

My friends have been helping me with this.One of the most important things I’ve been told and that has stuck with me is…

Every day is a new day.

There are choices to make every day.Make the right ones. Every choice has a consequence and you have to live withthat.

“It demands a calm attention to the facts ofthe situation and the consequences of actions – and not to lofty or abstractprinciples.”

– MaxWeber

(more on choices and its consequence later…lol)

Also, don’t be afraid of hard work because itsrewards pay in ways that are more important than those that will be recognizedby others; like self-esteem, reliability and trust.

Lastly, I’d like to add, to those people whoalready consider themselves responsible individuals, that personalresponsibility doesn’t just happen. We must expect it, foster it and nurtureit.

And teach it to our children, so that theycan become responsible individuals in future.

This is one of my favorite quotes,

“You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrowby evading it today.”
-AbrahamLincoln

Next habit!

2011-10-15T09:47:00.000+05:30

I've successfully gone more than 21 days with my new habit. Yay! I had lots of help with that one.

So onto my next habit. productivity... well, not much success there. Ugh.

My revision exams start on Monday. And I need to pass every single one of them. They last for 2 weeks. Whatever my preparation, it doesn't matter. I have to give my best now.

Lots of studying to do... wish me luck!

47 days to go... till my exams are over.

It's just going to be update posts till Dec.

Time to step it up

2011-10-05T10:02:00.001+05:30

It's been 14 days and counting... since I started saying "No" (read last post). And it's getting easier. I'm not getting the urge as often. I've found other things to keep myself occupied.

I think it's time to start doing something productive while this keeps going on. So I'm on Day 1 of productivity. Let's see how it goes.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." – Lao Tzu

"Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless, add what is specifically your own." –Bruce Lee

Building self-confidence...

2011-09-29T19:18:00.001+05:30

I am a self-confident person for most part. On occasion, I get this sudden attack of doubt. Fear. Feel like I can't do it. There are certain things that really get to me. It hurts that I can't get it right. It happens repeatedly. Eating me away. Washing away my confidence with each failure (I really don't want to use that word, gives it more power and all that..). I guess we all have our weakness. It's just that one thing (for now at least). But it takes a huge toll. I try and try again. And then I realized I'm not trying hard enough. If I was, it would have already gone away. My weakness would now be my strength.

So, I'm on my Day 7 of saying "No". Of fighting with myself. Of slowly pushing back. Reclaiming lost land.

Here's to hoping I become a wholly confident person. It seems a bit like the 12 step program...lol.

Saying 'NO' is supposed to get easier with time. I hope so...

“The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear and get a record of successful experiences behind you.” – William Jennings Bryan

“I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but it comes from within. It is there all the time.” -Anna Freud

Pay it forward

2011-09-27T22:06:00.001+05:30

I've been thinking about purpose, passion and things which make me happy. And I find that I really like helping people. Helping them with their problems. Motivating them if they need or want it. Listening to their problems if they need a friend. Giving them advice if they want it.. more like opinion..lol.

In. Short.

Making them happy (not just okay... happy)

So I'd really like to help anyone out here who needs a ear to listen, who wants help/motivation or an IM to get out of their sad mood. Anything "internetly" possible... I'm there for you :)

Just thought I'd let y'all know that.

My email id which is already in my profile is alujna.m.annis@gmail.com and if you want to chat just mail me.. I'll send you my id. :) :)

Living life your own way...

2011-08-31T23:48:00.000+05:30

It's been a really busy month. My exam schedule is out. It lasts for the whole month of November. These last few weeks are for cramming as much as possible. I've finished both my labor room rotations. And I fell sick during my second one. It was bad enough that I needed a hospital admission, but what I really hated was everyone asking "Are you alright?" for the next few weeks. And I must add I was the worst patient ever. I literally pulled my iv line out and got myself discharged against medical advice.

Anyway that's this month's story. But what really brought back to blog was a question that keeps haunting me. I can't find a proper answer to this one anywhere. So I figured you people ought to know.. :) :)

Is it okay to live life your own way without taking into account the consequences it will have on your family? Is it selfish? What if your view and your approach to life is vastly different? I'm pretty sure my family will not agree with the choices I have taken. I love them and they love me too. But the choices I have taken are not going to be accepted in my society and definitely not by my family. My choices are not wrong just vastly different. But it will still hurt (not just me walking away but people are going to talk and that's gonna hurt them too) and I don't think they will even talk to me after that. I can deal with that. But the hurt that I will cause them... that keeps bothering me even though I know there's nothing else I can do; short of living life their way being miserable all the time.

So what I'm really asking is, Am I being selfish? Even though it's my life, the choices I make have consequences on my family as well.... I've already made the choice, there's no going back. But I'd still like to know the answer to that question.

Responsibility

2011-07-24T18:17:00.002+05:30

I know I haven't posted in a long time and it looks like it's going to be this for the next few months till my exams get over. I signed in after in nearly 2 and a half weeks and found my blogger dashboard totally different...lol. I'm still figuring it out. . .

Freedom makes a huge requirement of every human being. With freedom comes responsibility. For the person who is unwilling to grow up, the person who does not want to carry is own weight, this is a frightening prospect.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Responsibility, there's a big word.
I somehow always end up choking on that word.
I can be responsible when what I do affects someone else. But when it's me, I just keep being irresponsible. I end up getting hurt. The past month has lots of bad decisions. None of them affect others. In fact if it involved one of my friends then I worked extra hard to avoid disappointing them but when it's me.... I just don't give a damn. That's bad. Really bad. I'm beyond caring about myself. I seriously hope this is just a phase.
Friends are trying to help me. But no one can help me, if I'm not willing to help myself. And at this point, it looks like I'm not doing that.

I've got 12 weeks of medical school left before the final exams. I just finished my last surgery rotation, now onto gynecology.

I'm feeling a bit lonely too. I'm surrounded by people but I still feel lonely if that makes any sense.

Anyway I just read this poem on another site and I really like it, so I thought I'll post it here.

I WILL LOVE YOU...As long as I can dream,as long as I can think,as long as I have a memory...I will love you.
As long as I have eyes to seeand ears to hearand lips to speak...I will love you.
As long as I have a heart to feel,a soul stirring within me,an imagination to hold you...I will love you.
As long as there is time,as longas there is love,as long as there is you,as long as I have a breathto speak your name...I will love you,because I loveyou morethan anything inall the world.
--Bebita

At 21

2011-07-03T14:45:00.001+05:30

So at 21,
i am: a student
i think: all the time
i know: that I am loved
i want: to be with the people I love
i have: good friends and a wonderful family
i wish: I could wake up everyday to my lover
i hate: that I can't stick to a plan
i miss: my sister
i fear: not changing for the better
i feel: anxious about my studies most of the time
i hear: construction noise round the clock! - damn - not fun....
i smell: sandalwood, roses and jasmine whenever I get close to them (be it the flower, soap or perfume...lol)
i crave: his touch
i search: for ways to make myself better (i used to search for my purpose in life, but now I've decided that as you keep going through life your purpose becomes clearer and that you don't need to search for it).
i wonder: about my future a LOT
i regret: not working hard when there was nothing stopping me
i love: my family
i ache: for him
i care: about the lives of the people I meet at the hospital
i always: lose my initial enthusiasm for something (I'm trying to change that)
i am not: perfect
i believe: in fate and positive thinking
i dance: to relax (I love dancing)
i sing: when I like the song a lot and am trying to learn the lyrics (I'm not a good singer...lol)
i cry: a lot (well at least I used; I realized that it doesn't solve any problems... so I'm trying to stop doing it)
i don’t always: do what I say
i fight: with people I'm close to. with others I don't bother... I just ignore
i write: emails, on my blog, in my journal (used to write... not much of late) and a few articles
i win: every time I resist a distraction/temptation
i lose: my focus a lot
i never: judge people based on their lifestyle choices
i confuse: numbers and the stuff I've read only once a lot. Only repeated studying rectifies that particular problem.
i listen: to him and to the other people I love
i can usually be found: on my computer
i am scared: about my ability to control myself. I am scared that I'll just spend my days thinking, instead of doing.
i need: my lover, guidance and discipline
i am happy: when I'm not pressurized and when I'm surrounded by my loved ones.

I stole this from my friend's blog... lol :)

Personality types

2011-06-25T13:56:00.000+05:30

I like reading about different types of personalities. I like knowing my own. Some people say it helps know yourself better. I don't know about that. But I find it really fascinating. I like knowing how people think, knowing what's going through their minds.

Almost every personality test I've taken suggests psychiatry or psychology as one of my careers. And it makes me smile...lol, because I like that it shows up every time. Not that I want to take up psychiatry in my residency. In fact I'd go crazy myself if it's my profession. But I love to read about it. And I'd love to do a short course on it.

Just in case you're wondering... I do enjoy a good mind-fuck....lolol.

There are 16 personality types.

-Extrovert/Introvert
-Intuitive/Sensitive
-Feeling/Thinking
-Judge/Perceive (This last one is a bit more complicated than it looks)

Based on these four choices. On wiki (I think so.. I read a ton of sites), it says that you are your best judge of what type of personality you are.

So here's a little something for you to find out what personality you are.
TEST

But let it be known that your personality isn't stopping you from anything. If there's anything you want and it doesn't suit your personality, doesn't mean you can get it. Nothing is stopping you from getting what you want including your personality.

The Meyer-Briggs personality types is the most discussed. There are others though...
Here's the wiki link.

Over-thinking

2011-06-19T21:26:00.000+05:30

I've been so busy for the past 2 weeks. I had a clinical assessment day-before yesterday, that had me getting up at all hours of the night with nightmares about failure. I did pass it though...lol, so I'm really happy and enjoying my holidays. That's right! I got 8 precious days off! Who-hoo. I was travelling most of yesterday so I could be with family this week.

I'm seeing my mom after 6 months (although we talk on the phone nearly everyday, it's not the same as getting a hug) and she came to visit me 2 weeks back. So I haven't had any privacy to log on to the computer; not that I'm complaining. I loved spending time with her. We did argue a lot though...lol, we still disagree on all the same things.

Which brings me to today's title... , mom says I overthink things and that most of the time they are really simple.
I wonder.
I imagine.
I dream.
I sigh.
I smile.
My eyes twinkle with those dreams of mine (some ambitious, some loving).
I jump.
Reach for the ceiling fan...lol
And dance.

In the end, I have not acted.

Of course, my thinking doesn't always go in that direction. Sometimes, it goes in the what-if direction, in the over-analyzing direction, in the anxious direction... Whatever the direction, it seems like I'm doing too much of it.

Too much of anything can't be good. (I don't like this "saying"...lol... fun is always good)

So, I'm trying to be aware of my thinking habits and trying to stop the thought process. That doesn't mean I'll stop thinking all together. Just cut down a bit and do it more consciously before I sleep (or some other time allocated for it).

What do you think about over-thinking? Have you ever done it?

Onto other things, I've finished my semester and my performance isn't that bad.
I've topped my Obs and Ortho rotations (that's among 17 people, not the whole batch), got the second highest in Surgery and passed my Medicine.

With my 8th semester done, that just leaves the last and final semester (16 weeks) and the final dreaded exams.

Ah, well anyway for now I'm just going to enjoy my holidays, catch up on emails, blogs, forums and other stuff. I've been dancing all day with the home-theater blasting away and I must say I absolutely love it. :) :)

And it's my b'day next week!! :) I turn 21.

Dedication, family, other randomness

2011-05-28T18:57:00.000+05:30

Have you ever read a dedication and thought "wow, I wish I could write a dedication"? I love dedications. Especially book dedications. Well, I think I just might write a book simply because I want to dedicate it to some peope in my life.

Sadly, I don't have the time to do that. So I'm going to do the next best thing and dedicate this post to all of them..
             To my best friend, Maya, you talked sense into me...
             To my family,(you know even when I don't tell you anything) for always being there.
             To my friends, for making me do things even when I didn't like it because you know I'll regret it.
             To my blog friends, Donna, Turiya, Serenity, Josh, Sin and K. Thank you for helping get through it.
Lol, that felt great :D :D...

So onto other things, my dad was here on a surprise visit for 5 days. It was pretty cool. I didn't get much reading done this week. But I must say we have the most argumentative father-daughter relationship. He never fails to set me off. I love him anyway...
Mom and me, we've got a better relationship and I'm happy to say she's gonna come visit me soon.

Onto my relationship with Master, let's just say we're laying off on the D/s stuff because we're not getting enough time together. It's more like once or twice a month. I couldn't go through such long durations without some sort of contact (not even email). I was being more dependent and my emotional health was all messed up. When I'm in, I'm totally in.... that means I ask lots of things and on the whole I'm more submissive. But, not being able to talk got to me. And I was doubting everything. Not good. I didn't want to be like that. D/s needs time, love and well, every relationship needs communication. I can get through periods without communication as long as I'm 'nilla. Like maybe a military relationship. But submissive without communication. I just can't. I know because I really tried. And cried.
Hopefully our time will work out better in the future and we can pick up where we've stopped.

And school, well I have a test on Monday. I've been going to school more regularly than before this fiasco. And I'm not constantly scared. So that's saying something....lol. I still have tons to read. I just resigned myself to the fact that there will always be tons to read.

Randomness: I'm a very impulsive person. You definitely can't tell for sure what I'm going to do at a particular time before-hand. Sure I plan... but, they all get disrupted. Especially the short term ones. The long term ones work out much better. Don't ask me how...lol.

Struggling #2

2011-05-14T23:53:00.002+05:30

You blow off one day. One becomes two. Two becomes three. And suddenly you find that you've missed a whole week. One whole week of important things. Just blew it off to sit and laze around. God, it sounds like a pity party.

I used to be such a hard worker. Now, I'm struggling to just get through the hour. So distracted, under so much pressure, zero concentration and with the everyone watching my next move. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. Not one part of my life is right at this moment. Not my health, not my college, not my relationship with my Master, not my relationship with family nor with friends. I'm battling myself constantly only I seem to be losing everytime and my self-esteem has taken a beating. I'm so scared. How did I end up like this? I was so not this girl. I can't even recognize myself now.

Struggling

2011-05-14T22:01:00.001+05:30

I've been avoiding the important issue the whole week. I finally decided to face it today.
I decided to study..........
.......... and I want to pick up a novel so bad.
It's so tempting. Somebody kick me and tell me to go study!.

Thoughts

2011-05-12T15:49:00.000+05:30

It's amazing how much a thought can change you.
Those words in your mind can make you believe or scorn.
They can beat you down or lift you up.
Thoughts are produced in your mind.
Your mind lives in a house.
With every life experience, the architecture of the house changes.
The number of windows, doors, balconies, front yard....
They are either removed or added depending on whether your experience was positive or negative.
It's been my experience, that life generally offers the harsh advanced course first.
So most of our doors and windows are already shut.
We keep enemies outside the gate.
Social experiences at the front yard.
And loved ones inside our house.
At home. Remember this is different from the place you call home.
This place is within your mind.
People at home have the most say on our thoughts.
We don't even realize it.
So be very careful who you let into your home.
They are going to change you.
If they are good, you'll change for the better :-)

I know I went a little too deep with that...lol. I usually don't write stuff like that. *deep breath* With a thought everything can change. I don't know how to stress that enough. You can do anything... really anything, if you think you can. But, there are times when you falter. And if you have someone who believes in you and encourages you and pushes you and most importantly doesn't let you fall back, then you've got yourself a keeper... lol.

I guess my post is more about who you trust. Because you are leaving your mind open to them.

One year into blogging: New blog resolutions

2011-05-04T22:45:00.001+05:30

Well, it's been a year since I started blogging and...
I've found some wonderful people out here. Lots of things have changed and I'm still the same...uh, maybe..lol

A quick recap,
Why I started blogging?
Because I had all these thoughts in my head that weren't clear. They were a jumble. It looked better when I wrote it down..lol.
And mainly because I was in a rut. I needed motivation, inspiration and writing gave that to me.
Readers were awesome and feedback was much better ... :-P
Also, I was fighting my growing addiction to novels. I couldn't control myself there.
Reading other blogs gave me an insight into other people's lives. It grounded me in reality. It gave me a hobby... a hobby that wasn't "addictable" lol (although there are a few people I know who will dispute that claim)... a hobby I could control.
While there are some days, I'd rather do anything but blog... I force myself to come to the computer and type. Just type what's going through my head. It helps a lot.

What's changed?
I know myself better.
I fell in love :P.
I found new friends.
I became an avid reader of blogs :P.
I don't drown in novels anymore (at least not as often as before....lol).
I started following the news (yeah, I always wanted to read the news everyday... but it was something that didn't rank high in my priorities... now it's significantly higher up...lol).
I don't throw tantrums...lol, I come here to do that (I think twice before I talk).
I've become a bit more honest.
I learnt the value of hard work. Nothing can replace it.
I know I can pick myself after any failure and that life has a way of throwing things your way and making you grow up whether you're ready or not.
I understand people and emotions better.
I found out that I love writing...
And a few more things, that don't come to my mind immediately.

What hasn't changed?
I can still be extremely lazy... ugh, I hate that part about myself. That's my number one priority this year. To change that.(While people around make resolutions on New Years', I making them on my blog anniversary :) )
I'm still the same person with all the same quirks.
I'm still struggling with self-control and will power. It's nowhere close to being over... but it's better than last year.
I'm still in medical school...lol. Obviously one year ahead... that is in my final year.
Motivation has been elusive this year and I've found it difficult. Now that I think about it, the last year has been really hard . If I had know my year was going to be like that, I would have fast-forwarded a lot of things. You know how people say that hind sight makes it easier to do things. Well, I'm not sure I want to do that year again even with my retrospective knowledge. I'm just glad it's over.
And now in some 20 odd weeks, I'll be done with med school.
But it's going to be some 20 really hard weeks. Which makes it look more like 200 weeks...lol.

Love y'all :),
Thanks for reading and staying with me this year.

You've made it a better year for me.

Remodelling

2011-05-01T12:27:00.001+05:30

I'm in my ortho rotation. So it shouldn't be a surprise that I'm talking about remodelling...lol.

Ortho just isn't my thing. I'm not a fan of it. I mean I don't dislike it.... but it definitely doesn't appeal to me.
One of the reasons is that ortho is painful.

Some of the others are seeing the ghastly injuries (especially in children), the long recovery time if at all there is a possibility of complete recovery, the deformities (they make me feel pity and the last thing the patients want to see is pity in the eyes of anyone least of all their doctor... so no, I'm not suited to it), the chronicity of their illness... and well a couple of other reasons. It's an invasive subject. lots of surgery... no guarantee.

But, there are times when it does astound me. A few days back, an attending was taking a class on fractures. He was discussing about a little girl who had fractured her femur 2 years back. We hadn't seen the girl at that point. He showed us her x rays from 2 years back and her current x-rays. We couldn't believe that the x rays were taken from the same girl. He asked us what we saw.

There was a lot of mumbling amongst ourselves. Words like 'healing' , 'completely united' passed out of our lips. He just shook his head and said.."It has remodelled"
A totally new bone had formed. It hadn't just healed. Healing implies leaving a scar behind. That bone had no scars. It was brand new!

He then went on to say some of the truest words I've ever heard...lol
God does it and we take credit...
The girl had some mild shortening of her limb. But he said that it would go away as she grew and that her prognosis was very good. All that without a single surgery and just follow up....
Lol, the medical profession did nothing but reassure her. She's fine thanks to none of us.

You know sometimes, something so spectacularly miraculous happens..... it changes the way you look at things. I feel like a tiny dot in the grand scheme of things.

How the human body functions always has and always will fascinate me.

Good, Better, Best

2011-04-30T23:59:00.001+05:30

A lot of people have told me that the secret to living a regret free life is putting your 100% into everything you do. "Your best", that's what they tell me.
I'm not buying that.
Because I've never felt that I've put my 100% into anything so far. Really in all these years I couldn't think of one thing that had 'all of me' in it.
I think it's really subjective. I always feel there's something I could've done better. It's not exactly regret. But at the same time I can't say it's my best.
Because you see your best is relative.... with time and experience.

But I do believe that when you utilize your time with effeciency... you get better at whatever you are doing.

Betterment.
Progress.
Improvement.
Growth.
Development.

See, those are things I believe in... :)

I think I like the comparative degree better than the superlative. Superlatives are absolutes. It has got no room for improvement and that's bad...

Oops!

2011-04-22T09:37:00.000+05:30

I can't believe it's been nearly two weeks since I last blogged. Time got away from me and I've not had anything blog worthy, I guess. Last month I had so much I wanted to blog about. This month I can't think of anything...lol.
I've been extremely busy as well. With 2 tests/week.., April has been truly busy. Not to mention my 'out of the blue' trip to visit my father.
My studying has not been coming along well. I have another test on Monday and then the next Friday. It's just insane to try to follow any sort of schedule with all these tests. But I'm trying. I have to. I don't have a choice if I want to finish this year with good grades. My last year! yippee
But I have been reading all your blogs. Just haven't signed in to comment.
And I've been writing a lot lately. Writing poems, articles, essays, journals and short stories (not complete)...So I've not been completely out of touch with my writing side..lol. It's something I enjoy :). I like writing. I hope I don't bore you!

Is it really that easy?

2011-04-08T15:32:00.000+05:30

Wow. I just got the highest mark on my clinical assessment in Obstetrics. I had prepared well and I thought my test went okay. But I didn't think I'd get the top mark.
Sometimes I keep on whining on how hard it is that I forget it can be incredibly simple and very rewarding. Preparation is everything. It adds to confidence in a way nothing else can. And positive feedback from tests... oh yeah, I totally dig that!
I overthink things and lots of people have told me this. And being me, I've thought about that as well! lol

It's as simple as you want it to be.

That's what I've realized.

You want to be better? So be BETTER. That's it. End. Of. Story.

The thirst for learning

2011-03-27T19:46:00.000+05:30

Y'all imagine, don't ya? Let yourself dream for a moment or two about how you want your future to be. For most people their dreams would be something like this (in no particular order):
>Earning good money
>Getting a good job
>Being respected
>Finding the love of my life

>Living happily with my lover

>Happy family

>Bringing up good kids
>Respectable position in society

yada yada...

I do want those things, just not as much as I want to learn. That's the way I see myself....lol. And I'm not talking just about med school. I'm talking about the broadest sense of learning. All sorts of things.

To write (novels), to draw, to sketch, to stitch, to box (yes, as in the fighting sport..lol), to dance classically, to sing (with somewhat of a tune, lol), to know more about the web, its connections, all types of courses, psychology of people, photography, how to pick a lock (yes all sorts of weird stuff also included), to start a business, to trade the stock market, some yoga, to play an instrument, to learn more foreign languages, to learn about geography, literature, heck put me back in school again (I want to learn trigonometry again).

That's from the top of my head....

You get the idea, don't you? I'm crazy about learning stuff like that. I just need a teacher. And that person can be anyone who knows something more than what I do on the subject. Of course, the internet is a good teacher as well but caution is definitely required. And books are a good source too.

I'm thirsty to learn. I want to learn lots. I want to learn and learn and learn.

But, (of course there's a ‘but’, what did you think?) I also lose interest once I know the very basics of all those things. I mean I keep cycling through the list. Every month my learning interests are different.

Today, I wanted to learn how to write a novel. And I did search it up on the net, joined a forum and learnt quite a bit about it. I think this will last for the week.

Next week, it'll be something new.

A month or two later, I'll want to write again. I pick up where I left off. And so the cycle repeats.

I just realized this today.

My hobby is finding new things to learn.

I dread the day, I lose this passion 'cause that day... I'm either seriously depressed or dead.

Intensity ... Focus...

2011-03-24T16:39:00.001+05:30

Today I read a thriller. A fast paced, don't keep me down thriller. I love thrillers, have I mentioned that? But only books, somehow I don't like thriller movies (I hide behind pillows....yes, yes, I know... baby). I've been waiting for this particular book for nearly 2 years now. The minute I got my hands on the book, I was literally glowing. You could have give the book to me after no sleep for over 48 hours and I would have still devoured it. I know... it's an unhealthy obsession. But I was possessed. I wanted to read that book SO BAD.

When I finally started reading the book, I lost all concept of time. My focus was so much that it astound me. There was construction work going on nearby. The noise from that is usually very distracting. I was listening to some music and I usually like to sing along. But this time I had no idea whether it was night or day, what song was playing, whether they were hammering, drilling or God knows what outside. I was so immersed in my book that I didn't even stop to eat or drink water or even go to the bathroom to pee (forget going to do those things... I didn't even think about them). My eyes were burning from the constant use. But I didn't stop reading. I think my eye power just went up. I wasn't distracted by a single thought. Not about family, school, tests, classes.... not a single damn thing. My focus was the plot, the story, the characters. They became real to me for those few hours. Everything literally unwinding in my mind's eye. I didn't think about how many more pages, I didn't think about where I am in the story. I just read and read and read.... on and on. Until I reached "The End".

Then reality caught up with me. My stomach was grumbling. I usually never skip meals. I realized I hadn't had anything to eat from morning. I was like an addict crashing from an unbelievable high. I was amazed by myself and slightly dazed. If I could use that much intensity to everything I wanted done... OMG, it would be fucking amazing. I didn't even believe I was capable of such intensity. I BELIEVE I NOW UNDERSTAND THE TERM, "NO DISTRACTIONS". And it's not the things that happen around us which distracts us, rather we allow our mind to get distracted. In short, we let the distractions in.
If you want something bad enough, nothing will stop you. Go for it with single minded intensity. I truly understand that for the first time.

PS: Understandably, kids and people you love don't fall under the distraction category. If they have a problem, then you solve it before going on to the task at hand, so you can deal with it... with your full focus.

It's all about the choice

2011-03-16T13:04:00.045+05:30

You always have a choice. ALWAYS. Sometimes it feels like you don't have any but remember that you always have it. If you don't do what you are supposed to do there might be consequences but that doesn't mean you don't have a choice. It simply means you are responsible enough to make the right choice.

When you're presented with a choice, that means decision time. Sometimes the answers are obvious. They are glaring at you. Screaming "Pick me. Pick me! I'm the right choice". Other times, it's not so easy.

Especially those choices involving the present and the future. One choice says you'll have a better future if you pick me. The other choice says who cares about the future? Live in the present. Such choices, such decisions, oh they are a war within me. One of me is going to die. And I say that very loosely, because it looks like that part of me has more than 9 lives. I fight, I struggle to make the right choice (at least the one that I think is right). And let's face it, it is a choice.

Sometimes after a long struggle, when I think the finish line is just within reach, when it's just within my grasp, when I think the war is over, I suddenly turn around and pick the bad choice. And I'm (wicked me) grinning. Oh Dear God, what have I done? All that fight for nothing? But I don't give up. I just keep doing it over and over and over again. I have to get it right sometime, don't I?

I will get it right sometime. And keep it that way.

I hope one day that's me in the pick saying confidently "I can make good choices."

Wish me luck! I'm starting over again.

You might want to read what wiki says about choices

Discipline

2011-03-14T00:04:00.000+05:30

I know I told I'm going to post a part 2 on that Frustrated, Irritated and Angry part but I figure tomorrow will be soon enough (esp since I'm sure I'll feel that way tomorrow too). Teachers are supposed to teach as opposed to making you feel like idiots. There's this Obs attending who keeps ragging on me. She's got 20 yrs of experience compared to my.... what 10 weeks tops. How am I supposed to know everything she learnt in 20 yrs in just a few weeks? Anyway like I said tomorrow will be soon enough. It's Sunday today and I plan to quit getting worked up over the way she treats me (plus she has a personal grudge against me... or my family? I'm not sure which. or maybe she just plain hates girls. ugh who can identify her weird mind).

Back to today's topic "Discipline"
This is something that has fascinated me for a few years now. I admire discipline in a person. I admire it more because I find it incredilbly hard to do it by myself. Hence the reason for starting this blog. Have you ever felt like one of your colleagues or friends has it all? Great job, great family, great home, great friends (and any other great that you can think of).... Most of these people are disciplined. There are good and bad days. Everyone has them. But people who get the job done even on their bad days.... wow... it's freaking awesome to me. Because I haven't been able to do it so far. When I'm in a good mood, I can study so fast and learn so much that I surprise myself sometimes. But when I'm in a bad mood, I don't study at all. So I end up being mediocre. Just thinking about all those hours I'm missing .... makes me frustrated with myself. So I end up wasting more time. When I realized that discipline can help you through even your bad days, I practically started salivating...lol. So much more productive :).... So much more satisfying. Discipline given to you by others (the nice "parents" and the naughty "well, you know what I mean" people) lasts only as long as they are there and they continue to discipline you. But if you are a disciplined person, if you have disciplined you're mind, then whatever you want is yours.
Will power and Discipline are so intertwined with each other. You need to have will power to be a disciplined person. The more you keep practising, the more disciplined you will get. Practice does make perfect. It's an art. Learn it, practice it and use it.
I'm still learning.

Discipline is a topic that has always interested me. In any way, form, or context.

Enjoy your weekend...

Sad, Frustrated, Irritated and Angry - ETHICS

2011-03-11T13:58:00.003+05:30

Yeah all those things in just a few hours. Not even a whole fricking day.

Sad because in our gynecology lecture today, we were asked about the father of Gynecology (Usually I like a little bit of medical history. It's interesting to know how people first tried out things and how they went about it. But this what I heard today... well let's just say it made me want to puke).

J. Marion Sims is supposedly a great physician.

This is what I know about him,

According to an article from the American Journal Of Obstetrics And Gynecology:
The driving force was not the benefit of humanity or compassion for human beings, but rather that in surgery Sims saw a path towards glory. He took slaves and poor New York Irish immigrants and put them through 'unimaginable agonies' to advance his career.... The lack of anesthesia made pain and suffering a foregone conclusion.

Sims treated three Alabamian slave women - Anarcha, Betsy, and Lucy - who were suffering from fistula problems, to develop new techniques to repair this condition or be used as experiments for medical research. From 1845 to 1849 he experimented on them, operating on Anarcha 30 times. Although anesthesia had recently become available, Sims did not use any anesthetic during his procedures on Anarcha, Betsy, and Lucy. After the extensive experiments and difficulties, Sims finally perfected his technique and repaired the fistulas successfully in Anarcha. He then repaired several other slave women. It was only after the success of the early experiments on the slaves that Sims attempted the procedure on Caucasian women with fistulas, this time with anesthesia.

Sam, a slave with cancer of the jaw, refused to be operated on because, "it would hurt too much." From the Journal of the History of Medicine:
Determined not to be foiled in the attempt, Dr. Sims contrived an ingenious method of securing the patient. Sam was persuaded to sit in a barber's chair, to which some planks had been added at the top and bottom. He was quickly tied down by straps around thighs, knees, ankles, abdomen, thorax, shoulders, wrists, elbows and head. Sam, Dr.Sims relates, 'appeared to be very much alarmed.'

Only after his experiments with slave women proved successful did Dr.Sims attempt the procedure on white women volunteers. Sims evidently established the Women's Hospital in New York City, "to provide guinea pigs [destitute Irish immigrant women like Mary Smith, who also endured 30 operations] before he and the others could convincingly provide care to the wives of the wealthy."

He often found, however, according to an article in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine, that the wives could not, or more accurately, would not, withstand the pain and discomfort that the procedure entailed."
Sims was quoted as being convinced that black women, "endured pain as well as dogs or rabbits do...."

He has contributed a whole lot of stuff to gynecology. Procedures, instruments, positions etc. etc. I don't fucking give a damn. I can't believe people still consider him the father of Gynecology. The horrors he inflicted on those women were unimaginable. I hope he rots in hell. This was a period when anesthesia existed. Infact he did use anesthesia on white women. He has a fucking statue of himself in New York.

I cannot believe it. Disbelief. Yes, that was my major emotion. Why is he still held in a position of esteem?

The attending taking the lecture told all this and continued with the lecture as though she hadn't just dropped a bomb on us. I looked around the class, trying to assess everyone's reaction. Everyone seemed to have moved on. I was fucking stuck for 5 min. I couldn't concentrate.

The Frustrated, Irritated and Angry parts deserve another post....
so that's part 2...lol

Are you addicted? (humor)

2011-03-10T17:40:00.001+05:30

I thought I'd add a little humor this week .....lol

This is the questionnaire we're supposed to ask in order to asses alcohol abuse.
1. Have you ever felt you should cut down on your drinking?
2. Have people annoyed you by criticising your drinking?
3. Have you ever felt bad or guilty about your drinking?
4. Have you ever had a drink first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or get rid of a hangover (eye-opener)?

This is the questionnaire medical students need to ask themselves...., well at least some of them... ;)
1. Have you ever felt you should cut down on your studying?
2. Have people annoyed you by criticising your studying?
3. Have you ever felt bad or guilty about your studying?
4. Have you ever opened a medical book first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or get rid of a study hangover (eye-opener)?

A score of 2 or more is clinically significant... Please beware. If your score is >1, seek help. You are addicted to medical school.

Respect

2011-03-02T19:38:00.001+05:30

After labor room, I'm a bit overwhelmed with all that I've missed in these two weeks. I have so much catching up to do and I have to keep up with going on right now as well.
Overwhelmed means... I'm overanalyzing
Overanalyzing means... I'm close to getting depressed (I have symptoms to prove that... I start eating lots of junk... skip classes... and read lots of novels late into the night. And these symptoms are always the same. Oh and did I mention? I avoid people)
Close to depression makes me want to fight back and get away from it as fast as possible.
That made me want to find out what was motivating me.
I frequently ask myself that question. At every period of time I get different answers.
This time when I asked my self that question, this was the answer I got.

Pressure, increasing my self worth, respect and appreciation from others

And I'm not at all happy with those answers eventhough they are all true. All of those make my motivation dependent on someone else.

I can't motivate myself and I find that really sad.

Sure, lots of people ask me, don't I want to help patients, higher calling and all that crap... Yes, I want to help people. I like making them happy. I want to decrease suffering. But I could have done all those much more easily being a nurse or a health worker. So no, that's not what motivates me. It's the sad truth.

I wish I could have been less complicated at times but then I realize that I wouldn't be myself....lol.

The Lady Who Fought Fear

Too complicated to understand herself...,
Too different to be understood by others...,
Hiding from the harsh daylight,
So most know no not what plagues her mind,
Running from her fears,
Because she thinks she can out run them,
'Though she knows better;
They rear their ugly heads sooner or later.

But,
In a sudden vision of clarity,
She draws courage from...,
She is still not sure how she does it,
Is it her own reserve or Is it love from kin?
Their steady belief in her, their kind words of encouragement...,
The reasons matter not or so she thinks.

She draws her sword and lashes out,
Until her fears are locked in their cellar,
Until nothing stops her.

Her demons have been exorcized.
She doesn't like battle and,
She'd rather see more love,
But life is like sea,
Deceptively calm one moment and raging the next,
Without doubt there will be more demons to slay,
She fervently hopes
To stand tall and face them,
To send them scurrying back
With their tails tucked between their legs.

She hopes for a better future,
She weeps when she remembers her past,
And,
I hope she forgets not of the happy present!

-Alujna Annis

(Copyright- 2nd March 2011)

When you're completely relaxed....

2011-02-28T23:43:00.000+05:30

I had a test today. Post night duty, with very little sleep, with very little preparation, being so tired. I had to attend that test. You know the minute, I was off duty... I didn't even care that I had a test. I was just happy that it was OVER. Damn... it's tiring.
And surprisingly enough, because I didn't give a damn about the test. I was totally relaxed. I just went into the test hall and gave it my best. This was stuff I had studied over a month back. I hadn't revised any of it because I had labor room rotation.
My answers were short. They were right but incomplete. I needed to add more detail to it. My doses for the drugs were messed up but the drugs were right. Okay, so you get the picture. We are not expected to know all the drug doses but some of them are important and should be memorized. Now, that can be done one of two ways. Either study them before the exams... very ineffective... or study them everyday and watch it being administered practically... very effective. So I need to work on being able to attend an exam way ahead of the exam and literally close my books one day ahead of the exam. Now that would be so cool. That's "dream-me"....lolol. I totally want to be like that. Can I?

Nap when you can.........

2011-02-25T10:01:00.000+05:30

Like I mentioned in my previous posts, I started labor room rotation nearly 2 weeks back. . . . . on the 14th. It's been hectic. I've slept for less than 5 hours in 48 hours. I find that my routine has totally changed and sleeping in the evening even when you have the time isn't as easy. So far I haven't suffered from any sleep attacks. . . ., but lol.. if this goes on, I just might. Thank God, it gets over in 2 days.
Okay, now that I've ended my rant. I'll tell you a bit about labor room.
At first seeing so many women in pain was hard and learning to suture their episiotomies was harder especially when you think you are going to hurt them worse. Trust me when I say if you are not confident and hesitate while you suture that hurts them worse. I'm now pretty confident with my suturing and my skill has improved loads. I can conduct a delivery from beginning to end by myself. I have conducted several so far. I'm averaging at 3 per day. I can start iv lines pretty quickly, load drugs and give them im or iv, fill out forms for various tests, localize fetal heart sounds accurately, measure blood pressures in a snap and list of other stuff. Oh and I forgot to mention something... I got to assist in a surgery. Scrubbed in and the whole shebang. Of course it was only to hold the retractor and cut the sutures with a scissors, but it was still cool.
On the whole, it's been a pretty educating experience even though I am sleep deprived.
I have a test coming up but I haven't studied anything because I'm spending all my time in the labor room. No time to study at all. Did I mention I have to attend classes as well? I do. It's a miracle I'm not falling asleep there. I can't wait for life to get back to normal or as normal as it ever was.

Anonymity

2011-02-13T11:38:00.000+05:30

it's very hard for me to be anonymous. Most places that I go, I am noticed. I stand out. not because of my accomplishments but because i do things differently and because of my family. when someone you don't know, you have no idea who this person is, comes up to you and says "how is your father?", people tend to notice you. it's a very vicious cycle and the word spreads on and on. I just want to be anonymous, is that so hard? I have to work at being anonymous. Purposely don't give out my name or act in any way similar to my family. talk differently. think differently... heck i do that anyway. I'm the odd one out in my family. and i still stand out... way too many people notice me. If i leave my room, people see, if i go the library people see. if i give someone a lift, people see. if it's a guy, i'm giving a lift to, then double whopper, the whole fricking campus will know it in 2 days.

I get facebook invites by the dozen everytime i sign in, from people i don't even remember. And they are people who have supposedly known me. they lived in my social circle and I didn't know them, but they knew me. It's the small things that get to me. I like my anonymity. I like that people recognize me for things that I have done, in an 'appreciate it' sort of way. But I hate it when they compare me with my sister or father. In the 4 years of medical school, I've learnt to deal with it. I'm VERY happy I didn't study in the same high school as my sister. The name I have there is my own. I was recognized for what I did. not for my family... freaking irritating... which is what is happening here... in med school.

February booked solid...

2011-02-07T00:25:00.001+05:30

The month has just started and we're only a week into Feb and I already feel like it's going to be over tomorrow. My clinical assessment on Surgery is this week, my Gynec test is next week, my Medicine test (hemat, immuno, genetics and geriatrics) the week after that and on top of that all, I start my labor room rotation on 14th (yes, on Valentine's day... *sigh*). For those of you who don't know how labor room rotation goes on... Picture this, 17 hour days (yes, I mean that many hours without including the breaks), standing all day and running around, learning on your feet literally (thanking the Gods, that labor room is on the first floor and I don't have to climb stairs because the elevators are too slow), sleep deprivation and begging for bathroom breaks just so you can go and sit down in between. The first few days should be pretty interesting and we actually get to do stuff but after that, I'm sure I'll be begging for an hour to sleep. I can just subtract those 2 weeks from my life. I have no idea how I'm going to study for my Gynec and Medicine tests after putting in 17 hour days. It'll be a miracle if I manage to pass those tests. Right now, I'm just concentrating on my Surgery clinical assessment and trying to get my records done before that. I've been meaning to blog since the first of Feb, but time does literally run... lol

It seems like all I'm whining about these past few months is Time. But apart from that, I seem to be learning a ton of stuff this year. I hope I'm able to retain everything for the long haul.

I know, of all the pictures I could have put up for this post... missing Valentine's day with my Lover is what bothers me most.... :P

Case presentation

2011-01-25T18:08:00.000+05:30

I was supposed to present a case on Peripheral Vascular Diseases today. So I studied 4 separate books. 2 for clinical examination and 2 for the theoretical aspects with an overlap on management. I've been studying this since Saturday, reviewed my class notes, revised it and studied it in a way I haven't studied a topic in a long time. But you know what, I couldn't answer the questions they asked me today. I don't know if I was tensed up or if my preparation wasn't organized enough. I knew what they were asking and I even knew the answers, but the order and my approach was all mixed up. I thought one thing and said another. It was utter confusion. This is the first case of PVD we are discussing this semester and it could be my lack of experience and the shortage of time... but seriously after so many days of effort... ending up with a half assed presentation is very very frustrating. The worst part was not being able to reproduce what I studied. I understood everything they taught today and knew almost 90% of it, so Damn it! why couldn't I answer? It really put a damper on my mood.How much more preparation am I going to need? More importantly how am I going to fit it in? If 2 and half days of preparation is not enough for one topic, I really need to manufacture more time to complete everything this year... What am I doing wrong???

17 days into final year.....

2011-01-20T20:22:00.000+05:30

After entering final year, I'm yet to get into a routine. There is so much to read that my head is spinning. I don't know which book to pick up first! I've just started studying to some extent but progress is very slow.

I'm in Surgery rotation now, next is my Obs and Gyn rotation where we have labor room posting for 2 weeks. And those 2 weeks are so hectic that you can just subtract it from my life....

Classes and clinics are so tiring. I walk in from one class to the next and then to the next and on and on... I'm hardly getting a lunch break these days.

A few positive things... I'm not reading novels frequently (how about nearly none at all...lol, maybe 2 the whole month). I'm not using my snooze button as frequently either and I'm waking up early every day.

I really wish I could settle into a routine and maybe do some jogging :) - that would be so awesome.

Somewhere along the way, I missed studying after a class and now it's all piled up like a mountain. I'm staring at the mountain and figuring out the best approach, whether I should just blast a tunnel or maybe build a road on top instead...lol.

I got the results for a test conducted in the previous semester. It's a theory test. I hadn't completed writing that test (I'm a slow writer... not an excuse) and I didn't pass that test. Nearly half the class didn't pass but I could've if I had only attempted that question. I need to be thorougher so that the stuff just flows at the exam and I can make up for the time lag due to my speed.

I studied quite a bit today. I hope it lasts and it's not just due to post-result effect.

I haven't even had time to listen to the new songs... my condition is so pathetic... I just hope it doesn't last for too long and I'm still thankful to all Sundays!

Sunday - living up to its expectations!

2011-01-09T18:15:00.000+05:30

It's been a week since the start of my final year and it feels more like a month. The week has been so hectic, I think the last time I was so pressed was when I was a pre-med. I got through that, I better get through this....lol. I'm trying to settle into a routine, it hasn't been so easy. "Vacation lag" was still with me...., what with the time difference and with the hectic schedule which barely gave me time to breathe, I haven't really settled into this semester. But some things never change and for that I'm grateful, Sunday still lives up to its dreams (which I've been waiting for the whole week). I wake up everyday and see the date and say 5 more days to Sunday, 4 more days to Sunday, 3 more days to Sunday....lol and so on.
It's been an incredibly lazy Sunday. My school friends called me out to a party, but all I wanted to do was sit back and relax..I slept through the afternoon and now I'm catching up on my blogging :)
Even though it has been incredibly busy, I've learnt more in this one week than I've learnt in months. And everything was practical/clinical. Theory can only get you so far in medicine. It's nice to apply what you study in theory. And when you actually see a text book presentation, you can ogle, yeah...lol they are that rare. Medicine is the exception.
Now if I could just get my reading hours in a routine, that would be great :)
I'm happy to tell you all I have read only one romance novel the whole month!
I don't think I mentioned this in my previous post. I know it's unrelated, but I couldn't help it...lol I'm now an aunt to a beautiful baby boy :) (my sister's kid), as of Dec 30, 2010.
Here's to a year of hard work! Because there ain't a sweeter reward.......

I need 48 hours a day!

2011-01-03T21:35:00.001+05:30

People would say that I'm in desperate need of a time management course with a blog title like that....! But take a look at my day before you get me help.
I need to be up by 5, study for 2 hours, get ready for classes, get my ass to a lecture at 8, attend clinics after that till 1, attend symposiums from 2-4.30, come back and start studying some more, do a few assignments, write a few records, prepare for my case presentations and get in bed by some 11. Hopefully I get to fit in a few meals, shower, journal, chat with my parents, sister and friends and read a few blogs. I need to fit in my blogging time somewhere in between too! I really wish I could jog but unless I manufacture another two hours looks like it won't be happening.
I just got my new books for my final year and when stacked they reach a mile high! Oh and I forgot to mention how everybody at med school is going to be at our throats this year because it's the final year and we're magically supposed to know everything!
I'm a excited but a bit overwhelmed. I'm always excited to start something new. There's something special with a fresh start and a clean slate. It's the beginning of the semester and you haven't screwed up anything yet. You can make schedules and hope to stick to them. Because in the end it's the hope that gets you through. It's gonna be a helluva 10 months.
I'm in Surgery rotation for the next 6 weeks. We've already seen 4 cases today and it's the first day. I have a test on Wednesday for which I have just started studying because I got back from my vacation yesterday afternoon and I've been busy cleaning my room...lol (full of cobwebs). So you tell me, how to get those extra hours in a day or those extra hands!!!!! :)

Merry Christmas everyone! :)

2010-12-25T14:21:00.001+05:30

Have a wonderful holiday season and hope you all get to spend time with your family :) .

I know it's been a long time but I couldn't find the "time" from my "vacation" to write, ya know I'm busy watching "movies".....lmao. It's been a wonderful week without exams or tests to study for (well at least not until Jan 5th lol). My results are back and I'm through to my final year (the last 2 semesters) and I surprised myself with a Disntincion in one subject.... :)
I've been cooking (for the first time), sketching, watching movies, shopping a lot, catching up on facebook, emailing friends, driving through the mountains (wonderful view with lots of untouched sand dunes), walking close to the ocean with the breeze through my hair in wonderful climate, dancing around and oh did I mention eating lots of French fries... :D

It's been awesome and it's not yet over! I'm going to Dubai for nearly a week (I've been there before but it's changed a lot since the last time I visited or so I heard).
Meanwhile I've been thinking about New Year resolutions. Last December I started blogging for the first time. Not this blog but another blog which I don't use now. It was my resolution to start and maintain a blog. But I didn't start blogging regularly until May. And although I don't blog every day, I have blogged for the past 6 months. It gives me hope that a resolution is not a mere a wish and can be fulfilled. It's the first time I'm seeing something through. So my resolution for next year is simple yet complicated all at the same time.

I want to finish everything I start. See it through till the end no matter what happens in between. Sure there can be improvisations but whatever I have started still needs to be done. In a word, it's "COMPLETION".

Time there's never enough of it? .... or is there?

2010-12-08T01:04:00.000+05:30

Finally a post on something other than whining....lol!
I've been held up with my exams. They are getting over soon and I'm flying to a home away from home for my holidays....My mind is pretty occupied about enjoying them...lmao...
So about "Time". Everybody emphasizes and stresses on it. We are either busy or bored! The clock is definitely bewitched. It goes faster when we want more time and slower when we want it to speed up. Life would be much simpler if it had a remote control with 'play', 'pause', 'fast forward' and 'rewind'. Who am I kidding? When has life ever been simple? If it's simple I'm suspicious, there has got to be something hiding....
Yes, that's me, ever the cynic.

I was going through a lot of different sites about study techniques and stuff (which will be another post), when I saw something on the MIT website metioning about Parkinson's law. It's very interesting. For those of you interested in the full version, here's the wikipedia link.

In concern to time, what it basically says is, "The amount of time in which one has to perform a task is the amount of time it will take to complete said task."

or a corollary,

"If you wait until the last minute, it only takes a minute to do."

So I could be studying or doing my chores all day to the nth degree of perfection or I could get it done in a few hours and actually have some free time on my hands.

Getting it?

My advice, set the shortest time possible for the task and make a promise to yourself that no matter what happens, you won't spend more time on the task (this part is important or else you'll end up prolonging it). It might be very important (to others -college, work, for kids, for family) that you complete the task but it's more important to complete the task on time for yourself!
Don't neglect yourself.
PS: Your very best effort, doesn't matter if you don't complete. You will be able to judge how much time you will take for a task with experience so don't worry about not completing it the first time :).

Monday Motivation #3

2010-11-29T20:50:00.002+05:30

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is to not stop questioning.
Albert Einstein

We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.
Buddha

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.
Abraham Lincoln

The internal dialogue

2010-11-24T00:39:00.002+05:30

Good girl Vs Bad girl

I've gagged my good girl up today (not just today, for quite some time... but it's worse today). She can only scream and I'm ignoring her. Not even giving her a chance to speak. After building up pressure like a pressure cooker during the mock exams, I'm releasing steam now (when it's not yet time to relax). My study holidays (holidays meant for studying for the real deal) have become just holidays where I'm just enjoying. To be fair to my good girl who likes studying, I did start out quite well. Followed the schedule to a "T" for one whole (almost...lol) day! Woohooo! I actually covered quite a lot that day. Then... KABOOM... it all exploded, I've not been studying for the past 4 days. The worst part .....is I'm not feeling guilty about it. At least not now. Ya know this is one of the times, where the consequence of my actions is failing to penetrate into my thick skull...

But I've been enjoying myself... what can I say! It's been awesome... dancing around, listening to songs, watching movies, reading novels (although I wouldn't say it was an addiction this time...lol). I'm high...on enjoyment!

Now that mock exams are over, I will be getting the results within a day or two. Hope at least those motivate me to study. I already have the marks of one subject. I got slightly (emphasis on the slightly part..lol) above average on that one. :)

I know I haven't been commenting on your blogs as often, but I'm still following them...:) Will get to the commenting part when my exams are over... Sometimes signing in just a pain in the ass..lol

I've made decisions

2010-11-14T17:21:00.000+05:30

I might have given the wrong impression to a lot of you. I want to complete medical school, I want to get into a good residency and I definitely want to be a good physician. I might whine about how hard it is to study now, but I'm definitely not the quitting type. And while I wish my parents could have given me other options as well, I would not change where I am now. I am at a top teaching hospital in my country, I fought fucking thousands of other students for this spot. I am happy in the final weeks of my 3rd year, with only 2 more semesters left. Life is good but (there always has to be a but doesn't there?...lol) I needed to find my zest again. My enthusiasm, my driving force.... the reason I scored high marks in biology, the reason I was always fascinated with Human physiology. I just realised something recently, I still love the subject, I love reading all sorts of articles on it. It's always been interesting and I will always find it interesting. But the reason I've been in my "rut" of sorts is because I hate exams. I get their importance but over the course of medical school, my normally 'healthy' fear for them has become an 'unhealthy one'. I have severe test anxiety and my coping mechanisms suck. So for now I'm trying my best to prepare in advance and avoid at all costs last minute studying.

Now onto something more interesting...lol. I have decided what residency I want to get into. I want Pediatrics. There are not going to be any second or third options for me. I will accept nothing other than peds (though med-peds is okay). I have been rolling it over in my mind for sometime now. I made the decision today morning. So y'all get to hear it :). The reasons of why I'm taking Peds will be another post though...lol

I'm in between mock exams. It's the reason for the delayed post. :)

The response people expect.

2010-11-04T13:22:00.000+05:30

My mom often asks me questions like “how much have you read?” “Are you reading?” “How are your studies coming along?” “Is everything going according to plan?” And the answers she expects are Lots. Yes. Great. Yes, perfectly. In that order. Yesterday she asked me “what are you doing?” and I was fed up of lying, giving her the response she wanted. I told her that I didn’t feel like studying and that I hadn’t studied anything. She got all worried and launched into a lecture of how others would be utilizing this time and how I was wasting my time. She never once asked why I didn’t feel like studying. Never once told me it was okay. Never once told me breaks are good once in a while. It’s all studying, studying and more studying for her. Eat, sleep and study. That’s all I have to do it seems. That’s not me. I was so frustrated. See this is why I give her what she wants when she asks me a question. She doesn’t want to listen to what I have to tell, it’s all about what I have to do. Sometimes I feel like saying fuck it, what did I ever see in this profession. Even while applying for colleges, my parents wouldn’t let me get application forms for any other courses. They always said I could do it and while I appreciate their confidence in me, they never asked me what I wanted to do. And even when I tried to tell them they didn’t want to listen. I was okay with medicine compared with other courses, I liked it even (it’s why I didn’t fight too much) but did I want to take it? It’s pointless now because I have taken it and I am going to complete it. And while I don’t like playing that ‘what-if’ game, I can’t help but have that niggling doubt that I could have done better if I had chosen something else with a lot more interest and enthusiasm. Because I’m sorely lacking it now. It’s a chore right now.

At this point, I can hear my mother’s voice, “The other side always looks greener.”

Monday Motivation #2

2010-11-01T13:27:00.002+05:30

Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It's not a day when you lounge around doing nothing, it's when you've had everything to do and you've done it.

Margaret Thatcher

No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again.

Buddha

In denial ....

2010-10-31T14:01:00.003+05:30

I had a test yesterday and I slipped again before the test. I let myself escape to avoid. And now,

Anxiety gone. Recriminations left.

Choices made. Consequences to be faced.

Denial is a complex process whereby we admit conscious knowledge of events but somehow fail to feel their emotional impact or see their logical consequences.

I never denied that I had a problem, but there is such a thing as "Denial of Impact" and that is what I was doing.... It's a bad coping mechanism.

I need to know that I can do something about it. In all the days that I’ve studied well before my test, I never studied alone. I always studied with my friend. She kept me focused. I didn’t think. I just did. I just realized this today. Whenever I study alone before a test I don’t study well.

There were originally 2 problems with me:
1. My addiction to romance novels (which provides an alternate reality and an escape from all uncomfortable situations. And trust me it was a big problem. It all started because of the stressor. But later I didn’t need any stressor to get into a novel).
2. And the denial

The first one seems under control, the second one is totally still there. I should have addressed the second one first. Unfortunately I didn’t realize that it existed until today. Without dealing with the denial, I’m just setting myself up to fall back into the addiction (this addiction has me really scared to take up anything which can possibly be addictive in anyway).
Lots of people don’t think that reading is an addiction; but any activity done with the intent to avoid pain or to put off doing something you don’t really want to do but need to do, is a damn addiction.
Even as I write this, my mind is screaming, “NO” and “Do you really want to change the only thing that is helping you cope?”

I am now trying to find ways to overcome the denial... But wherever I search, they all say you should acknowledge and deal with it. They don't tell you HOW to deal with it!

Monday Motivation #1

2010-10-25T10:35:00.001+05:30

He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.
Lao-Tzu

What you are is what you have been, and what you will be is what you do now.
Buddha

Go Kick ass this week! Get everything you want done, DONE!

Irritated with myself.....

2010-10-18T12:25:00.001+05:30

Waking up late always makes me cranky, unfortunately I wake up late quite often. . . .Ah well, I've progressed from using the snooze to totally switching the alarm off and setting it for a new time. If you call that progress? ! @ # $ %..... huh? It's more like deterioration.
So I woke up late, attended class and I'm back in my room. I was searching for something I had written earlier in a notebook. So I turned my room upside down (it's so not like me to search, usually I know exactly where each thing is at that particular point of time....lol), well at least the bookshelf and still didn't find it. But when I was clearing my bookshelf, I did come across lots of plans and schedules; schedules I had made for my previous exams for the past 2 yrs (it's been 2 yrs since I moved into this room, or I'm sure there would have been more)..... It reminded me of my failure. I was so furious. I tore every single plan I had made and threw them into the dustbin. I was irritated and angry with myself. I have not been able to stick to a single plan I have made in at least 2 yrs *angry with myself*. It's frustrating. I must be doing something wrong or how can every single one of them go awry? I can't put my finger on it. And if I do, can I change whatever is causing the problem...? What do you think my problem is? I could use some help now......
PS.: I finally did find what I was searching for, it wasn't in the bookshelf though and that pissed me off even more....lol

Journaling and new plans....

2010-10-14T19:05:00.002+05:30

Lots going on... I've been thinking about what to post and I couldn't figure out anything until yesterday. Today, I figured out why. Usually, I post stuff that I'm vexed about or happy about here. But recently I started journaling. God, it's awesome. I never thought that I was lying so much to myself until I was forced to evaluate it. It's changed a lot of things in my life. I found out what all I wanted to change in my life and I'm implementing them one by one :). I'm happy to report that I no longer have the craving for novels. Okay, that's wrong. I do have the craving. But it's lesser than before and I don't act on it now. . . . . So those of you who haven't tried journaling at least once in your life, try it now :). And those of you facing problems with any sort of addiction, try journaling for your better half. So he/she can help you with it and can better understand what you are going through. There's only one rule: HONESTY

And the new plans.... it's actually a new way of planning. The plans are the same for me :) .....
I think a few of you would have come across this. You write your most long term goal at the top and your most immediate goal at the bottom. So my goal is something like this:

Graduate medical school with good grades
Complete 3rd yr with distinctions in all 3 subjects
Score top marks in up coming exams, next month
Study for 48 hours/week
Study for 8 hours/day
Study for 1/2 hour before next meal

make extremely short term goals. Goals until your next meal :).....Work hard and play hard!
Hope that helps you with something...

Emotional IQ?

2010-10-06T17:41:00.000+05:30

We give a lot of importance to success, to hard work, to achievement. We believe that education, college courses or any other skill for that matter brings us closer to those goals. However what we don't take into account is our emotions.

We have them day in and day out. And yet...... we don't give them their due importance. So...... we don't know what to do with them.
As everything in life we have both good and bad emotions. Unfortuanetly we are not taught how to use the good ones and throw out the bad ones.
Unless the mind is sure, secure and healthy, everything else in our life is going to suffer. Just knowing and thinking about the mind in a such a way is bound to have a tremendous impact on our lives.
Perfection is not what we are aiming for.
For the longest time I never found a way to do this. Then suddenly it struck when I was half way asleep! The key to a healthy mind is concentration.
The concentration to do what we want to and have to do.
The concentration to be able to get back to a thought at a later time and continue with your present work.
The concentration to put all negative emotions aside.
The concentration to......... well I could go on and on.
But I think you get the idea here. Concentration doesn't mean frowning your eyebrows ( LOL ) or ending up with a headache. It's your ability to discipline your thought. This is why people practice meditation. There are many ways you can practise concentration, but meditation has been proved by far the most effective. It didn't even strike me until now.
Only now did I realise the importance of a healthy mind. It's importance in society is sadly yet to be taken seriously. Hope you do! :)
Take care

A new month, a fresh start!

2010-10-01T09:49:00.001+05:30

Last month was a big learning experience for me in so many ways. I now know that only if i give power to my fears they can overwhelm me. I know that the "truth cures" ( in Latin "veritas curat"). I also know that to be that person you want to be, you shouldn't let your emotions rule you. Yes, they are always there, take them into consideration always, but don't let them influence you negatively. Watch them as a spectator would :)

Anyway a new month and a fresh start! What more could I want? A lot! LOL. But for now I'm happy!

New beginnings, a chance to prove myself. It's not gonna happen overnight, it's not that simple or easy. Older habits (bad ones) have been ingrained in me for far too long. I've to get rid of them and establish new ones to my liking. I do get the ocassional craving, when I feel like I'm going to fall into the pit again. So far I've slipped a few times but I've managed to catch myself before I fall. Like I said before "It's a work in progress!"

schedule

2010-09-29T18:22:00.000+05:30

I have a lot of tests coming up next month, about 9. Planning helps a lot for me. However following that plan is a whole different story. But if I don't plan, I feel ........ lost? I'm wondering if that's the right word.
Sticking to a schedule is really really hard work and requires a lot of self-discipline (for a simple word, it can be a big pain in the ass).
A good start can do wonders. Once you skip something in a schedule it becomes difficult and requires more effort to get back on track. Often that first time you slip can make all the difference.
Remember the first time you miss something in a schedule you're on unsteady grounds! The more you keep missing the harder it is. I've posted about this earlier. I'm in a much better state now. But it's "work in progress."
I've made some changes since the last time. Baby steps is all I'm taking now. I'm not thinking too far ahead. And I'm keeping my schedule flexible with lots of room for "error" lol! Also, I've realised now that if I do "miss" one day, stopping or quitting is not the solution. It won't get you anywhere. You just keep going and try harder the next time! :)

Desire

2010-09-26T13:33:00.000+05:30

One simple word. How can it be so pleasurable and destructive at the same time? I've been impulsive for as long as I've known myself, lol! Most of the time, they are small, little, petty insignificant things (atleast on the grand scale of life). But a few of these times, when I do something without thinking about the consequence, when I don't give a damn and just go about as though I own the world; now those times I'm really terrified of!
I can never say when it hits, I can't say for sure whether I'll resist or go with the impulse. I'm not sure what I would do and that is my worst nightmare. Not knowing how I'm going to react, not being sure whether I'll get through another hour, day or week without giving into it "desire".
The "desire" can be really anything. From as simple as watching a movie or to as bad as a novel (lol, at least for me its bad!). I really wouldn't mind doing those things sometimes. But if I'm in a situation where I have to choose, I don't know if I have the self-discipline to stop myself. I would jump into my well of "desire" so deep and so dark that I can't even see my hand in front of me!
Escapism is what I'm describing here. Avoiding everything and everybody to extremes. I'd be happy to stay in my well (In fact that's where I was), but is it good for me? I don't think so. I was there until recently when it rained and my well filled with water. I'm truly luck to have a second chance :-)
I'm now climbing out of the well. I can see the light. It's close. But the walls of the well are slippery with moss, I'm scared I'll fall. Who will catch me? I don't want to be in the dark ever again.

What do you do when you've failed?

2010-09-23T11:12:00.000+05:30

Well, for one it's not the end of the world. There are always other options. And if you get a second chance all the more better. Everybody deserves one :-) ! I know there are people out there who are less fortunate than I am. I've got that second chance to prove myself and I've got the support of those closest to me. It's been one huge learning experience for me. A "wake up call", if you fancy. If ever there was one bigger than this one, I don't want to see it. But more than everything else it's the support they showed that astound me. Knowing that they are backing me whatever I do, it's...... well, truly humbling.
More than me not wanting to disappoint myself, I don't want to disappoint them. So even if you've failed, you can always learn. ALWAYS. never give up hope!
To all those people out there, who think you've failed, even if you can't see the silver lining on the cloud, it's THERE!

What went wrong?

2010-09-21T22:52:00.000+05:30

What have I been doing wrong? Why is there no improvement? For every goal I set, I always manage to find a loop hole. Or it goes like this, just one more hour, just one more day, just one more week, then I'll start. And once I start, thoughts like "this is boring, I wish I could be doing something else". Getting back to the schedule once I've missed even one thing is extremely hard. If I miss one, then I just tear up the whole thing and make a new schedule! Lol ... Only repeat the same thing time after time. Like a recalcitrant child, that voice in my head refuses to listen, shouting a resounding "I want to enjoy". But life isn't all merry and I definitely have to work. Just saying "No" sometimes is really hard. (who ever said parenting was easy? Lol I can't even control myself). But everytime I say "no" to my desires the voice becomes stronger. With each time I persist, that naughty voice dies down. It's never totally gone and I don't want it to be. I just want it to listen to me. :) Lol. Now I sound like I have a split personality. It's really just all me, with those 2 voices fighting each other. "TO STUDY OR TO ENJOY" !

Commitment

2010-09-19T08:18:00.000+05:30

Run away from your problems once and you will run away forever.

I don't know where I read this, some forum I think. But I can tell you I've been running away from my problems for quite a while now. I am particularly afraid that my best won't be enough to be a top student, so it stops me from putting in my best efforts. Fear of failure or so they say.
I think all of you know about my addiction to romance novels. I've been thinking and I've noticed that I can control what and when I read as long as an exam or test is not nearby. But once an exam is close and I haven't prepared for it well, that's when I have a problem.
So basically an unprepared exam is my problem and I have run away from it more times than I can count. ESCAPE. I run away like there's fire under my feet.
I have a test in Ophthal, next Monday, that's the 27th. So I want to complete studying well before hand. Say, by Thursday at least. My unpreparedness for my exam is mostly due to my laziness and procrastination and a bit of fear. Also I'm scared to start. Or just plain lazy? Anyway I can't make out the difference between the two. I just know I need to ACT.
I also need to commit to it seriously and be consistent. When we give our word to someone else we tend to take it more seriously than when we give it to ourselves. Why do we constantly keep putting ourselves down and not respect ourselves? You have to commit first and foremost to yourself and that is what I am a aiming for this week! COMMITMENT

p.s.: My parents are leaving today, just thought I'd mention it.

malleable mind

2010-09-13T12:22:00.001+05:30

think I keep changing my mind very often. Change is a good thing *sometimes* but it must be addressed with caution.

It's good to keep an open mind. But there is definitely a difference between accepting other people and knowing your mind. And that's my problem. I am not firm with my mind. I keep shifting through decisions. I make a decision think "this is it", only to change it when the first person I meet tells me it's not the right one.
I've forgotten how to make the right choice for me!

It's really frustrating when you don't know your own mind. I find that I am extremely flighty. Right now I feel like I want to go exercise in the evening after college is over, but when I actually get to that point of time...... well, let's just say that I am ruled by emotions at 'that particular' point of time. And exercise is just an example. I actually like doing it, so it's not exactly avoiding. It's more like laziness (I think), procrastination and bunch of other bad habits. If I don't have a firm mind, it's not exactly conducive to consistency is it? And if I am not consistent, then I can't form any good habits.

So it all boils down to whether I can keep my mind from changing over a period of time. I've been looking through some stuff on Consistency. Anything you can add will be extremely helpful. :)

And for all those who are wondering about my career choice here are the current options:

PMR
Obs&Gyn
Pediatrics
Internal medicine
Public health

in that order!

List of things I'm going to do (Now that I have the time) !!!!

2010-08-31T09:37:00.001+05:30

Finally my exam is over. I can't tell you how relieved I am. Funny most people feel satisfaction or disappointment when their exams are over. You think I'm normal, nope not me. I always feel relief no matter how I've done my exam. Okay no more talk about that.

This week is an inter-college festival held by my college. Being ranked within the top 5 in the country, Colleges from all over are going to be coming. A total of 150 colleges are participating. I'm in Food and Catering committee ( I haven't been there much mind you, with my exam it was a wonder that I took the time to even see the theme of the festival). Oh and the theme is (drum-roll please) GREEK MYTHOLOGY. We provide a mess here so students can eat at a cheaper rate. And the mess has the Greek Goddess Helena on it. Not that I know much about all of it. I have to brush up on Greek Mythology considering we are the host college and all that.
So now back to the title of the post, List of all the things I'm going to be doing:
-First of I need to get a hair cut ( it's a mess I tell ya)
-Next I'm enrolling in Alliance Francaise to learn spoken French. Even though I studied it in High School I can't speak all that well, so I'll be going for classes during the weekend : )
-Then I gotta start exercising, I think I gained 5 pounds sitting and reading. I have to lose at least 7.
-And will you believe it I'm 20, I've got my license but I'm scared to take the car out; yup, not at all confident with my driving abilities. So I pestered my mom to take me to the beach at least twice a day (2 in 1 kind of bargain, don't you think? ; )
-I have to restart my projects the ones that I had dropped temporarily to read for my exam, I've already mailed a my project guides.
-Now that my exams are over at least for a few months, I'm going to update my blog regularly. And I have to catch up on everybody's blog.
-I have a ward leaving next week, not too worried about it but still it;s on my to do things .....

I know I'm not supposed to be so ridiculously happy. But I am! Oh shoot what does that say about me?
Frankly at this point I don't care, this break has been coming on a long time and I'm taking it : )

PS :- I thought of learning Spanish too, my mom just looked at me weirdly and said "Are you sure?". I gotta concede she had a point. I freaking so jumpy and I've gone totally crazy. I've still not given up the idea though! I'm going to learn it after I finish with French. he he he! : )

PS 2:- I think this post has the maximum number of smilies!

Internal switch - that goes off and on

2010-08-24T21:38:00.000+05:30

I have this switch in my brain, that let's me forget about any problem (no exceptions there) when I read a novel ( or doing a few other things) I can concentrate to the point where I can forget meals, not hear someone knocking on my door, not even the construction work going on outside can disturb my focus (although my cell phone does has this particular ring tone that has me picking it up even before I know it, but that's not a problem because very few people have my number and those people know better than to disturb me. Yup, you guessed right. I'm one of those people who gives one word answers over phone. It makes the other person frustrated and they keep the phone down :) - so most of my friends know better than to call me on my cell).
See now this switch can real good to cool down, get your mind in order so that your anger is in control. Your emotions are in control. Lots of pluses about this switch and if you are disciplined then there are no disadvantages.
However to the undisciplined mind, it's like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, a gift or rather a curse.I take one look at the pot of gold and leap at it, don't keep any savings, don't invest it or anything, I just spend it! I'm not talking about money ( My account book is pretty well balanced, I don't make any unnecessary purchases and always buy only what's on my shopping list :) cool uh? ). I'm talking about Time.
Yes the most precious commodity that can never be regained once lost it's TIME.
Time is just like money, you need to invest it so you can reap it's rewards in future ( What's this elusive future by the way? Why does everything we do have to be about happiness in our future? Why can't it be about happiness now?)
Anyway, as I was saying I have this switch that can just turn everything off! If you are thinking cool - think again, NOT cool!
If I don't worry, I don't study; If I don't study, I'm not investing my time; If I'm not investing my time, my future is going to sink like the Titanic.
So in my mind worry = study = invested time = happy future.
But right now,
worry => novels => happiness right now => wasting time => sinking Titanic future

Now I'm going to contradict everything I said in this post with a picture

So I've come to the conclusion that unless you are happy doing what you have to do ( i.e. happy while investing your time), happiness is forever going to be that one elusive thing.
The best time to be happy is right now,especially doing what you have to do not what you want to do! If you are happy then you are trully blessed.

Damn, I just want it over only 5 days left!

Burning mouth?? uh ... what duh

2010-08-14T01:15:00.000+05:30

ok i probably realise this is going to sound crazy, but i hate going to doctors..... absolutely hate it. I mean how irritating is it to lay it out all there when they get to judge you? huh? It's been there since I was young say like 6 or 7 yrs old. As a result of which I never really complained as much about any medical problems I had.
Even now if I have some problem, I'd rather deal with it myself. Ok here's what happened...
Monday - my tongue is slightly more sensitive
Tue- it's much worse and my lips are bleeding too (mildly)
Wed- i'm frantically searching all over the net for a diagnosis and pouring over all my textbooks ( i just realised something then, the books always give you the worst case scenarios, and looking at all those pictures or red mouth, with fissures and all, mine seemed so inconsequential....damn)
Thu- my whole mouth is burning like hell **** fire***** I can't eat my normal diet. It's soo bad, I end up drinking only sweet stuff. every time I chew something, it gets worse.
Fri - I admit defeat and realise I am in need of medical help. Seeing as I am posted in ENT, it actually won't take much time for me to get a consultation. But I dreaded going there anyway. I took the coward's way out and asked my sister to take a look at it (she's an internal medicine resident) via webcam. She takes a look at it and says it could be mucositis or burning mouth syndrome and that i really should get an ENT consultation.

After she told me that, I looked up those conditions in the net and in my text books, and guess what's the cause..........
Stress
Damn, don't you hate it when they say that ( technically no one has said as yet, I'm going to get consulted tomorrow but i am soooo sure they are going to bring up that word )
I mean what do they expect me to do, just because I'm stressed will the exams go away?.... I don't think so.
But it's so bad I can barely eat properly, everytime I open my mouth I am in burning pain...........
Hope it get's better, I really need to be 100% now.
And would you believe it I have my ENT ward leaving tomorrow. Could the day get any worse?
OH god August 30th come fast............ I want to throw everything out the window.

The perfect day... :)

2010-08-03T00:14:00.001+05:30

Today i've had the perfect day ever in ........... i can't remember how long. It started of with me getting up on time to the alarm without a snooze, exercising and following my time table to the T. In fact i did so well that i did more than what i wanted to do. The sense of accomplishment was wonderful. I put in a solid 12 hours today. I pushed myself to the max. The BEST part was that i didn't feel like it was a burden (which i've been feeling for a long time). And the self assessment test i took showed a dramatic improvement in my score. I suddenly so motivated you can't stop me.... :) Jumping up and down. Even if i don't get good scores if i continue to prepare like this i can forgive myself.
I hope all days are like this one. No not hope, i'll make sure all future days are like this one. Nothing is going to get me down.
You know what the difference was between yesterday and today??
Yesterday : i learnt that we can always put in one more step in front of us, we can always push ourselves more, i read this in a forum: some of the best things accomplished were done by people too dumb to know that they were impossible. some of the things in that forum were really really motivational. i don't think i've read stuff like that anywhere.
Today : i followed

Pickin up the slack

2010-07-31T17:08:00.001+05:30

I'm utterly disgusted with myself... i'm not living upto a single goal of mine. i'm putting off, letting myself be okay with average. letting myself off easily. I'm what you call a plan freak. most of the time my plans are really good, realistic and doable. maybe that's the problem, the fact that they are doable. Because it can be done i postpone and do a half assed job at the last moment. it's totally frustrating. what i really need is a task master hmmmmm

i'm soo whiny this month i can hardly recognise myself. maybe it's something about the exam that brings out the worst in me! oh God.

ok so here's my plan (God knows i've posted enough of those but i'm not going to stop trying, maybe one of these i'll get it into that thick head of mine that i need to actually follow these plans and not just leave them at the planning stage, what i'm lacking here is EXECUTION sorely lacking, i might add.)

After countless breakdowns and whining i've come to the conclusion that i've dug my own grave! Now how does one get out of a grave, i'm desprate for air but i'm digging the wrong way... i'm burying myself further than 6 feet.....!

Plan: so i'm going to start my day everyday in the morning with a post of what i'm supposed to do and i'm going to end it with a post of what i did. it'll be short ( as i'm running short of time) but it'll be there! it better be there~~~~~ (it's there as a page, not as a post)

Behavioral patterns have always interested me but observing mine and knowing my faults has brought absolutely no change in me. zip zero nada nothing!!!

What was i thinking, of course there's not going to be any change unless i do something to change it ( Inertia, some people might call it.... i'm just going to label myself plain lazy ) I could do with some external force right now to get me out of this inertia or whatever the heck this is!!!

there i go whining again....(hate it)

this post is so disorganised... it's just me pouring out all my thoughts as they pop into my head!

So go Alujna,,, i'm not giving up, i'm going to pull that lazy ass up and give it another go. KICK me!

career choices....

2010-07-30T11:24:00.001+05:30

3rd year is a time in med school where you get clinical experience and you start think about your future speciality... so i've basically narrowed it down by ruling out.
i've ruled out surgery, ortho, anesthesia and anything neuro
and i definitely want to do something clinical.
i've also ruled out ophthal which is absolutely boring for me, never found the interest in that subject
dermat is good working hours and pay and demand but all wrong for me... multitude of reasons i'm not mentioning here
so what i'm left with is
ENT, obs-gyn, internal medicine, pediatrics, public health (not in any particular order)
so with my options narrowed down to those 5, i was weighing the pros and cons of each field and my compatibility. most people find it interesting in the beginning but the interest quickly wanes out and they soon find themselves going to the hospital just to earn.
I soo don't want to be like that, so i started thinking about it since Jan...
This Monday i was attending an ENT class on FESS ( Functional endoscopic sinus surgery, just skip the parts that you don't understand, i'm just writing it down here so that i can look back at it one day ), and he was telling us about how tricky the procedure was and how it was done on a regular basis and was quite common as a lot of people have sinusitis... All this was fine but when he started showing the videos, i went bat-shit and vowed never to take ENT, seems dramatic now, but at that moment you couldn't convince me. Ok you're all probably wondering what was so scary in the video.... the answer is nothing, the video was perfectly normal detailing the procedure and showing us exactly where to put each incision, but then he started giving his live commentary stating how periliously close each incision was to the ant. ethmoidal artery, post. ethmoidal artery and internal carotid artery and how one small nick could cause an intracranial hemorrhage, retro-orbital hematoma and blindness. Up until that moment i never imagined myself with a knife in my hand, but at that moment i knew with certainity that i was not going to do any neurosurgery or anything remotely close to the head and heart. I'm not scared of blood (i've seen an open heart surgery and not batted an eyelash, of course only as an observerer) or anything like that but i'd like to keep my blood pressure normal < thank you very much > and return home. I know there a lot of people who can perform surgeries with out even a single mm raise in their blood pressure, i could probably do it and with experience, my BP would probably remain the same, but it's just not me. So there goes another option down.............. i'm now left with 4, we'll see where it goes. but right now i'm strongly favoring Obs/Gyn ( i know it includes surgery, and surgery anywhere has it's complications, but i think i'm slightly more taken with it). Anyway i'll be conducting normal deliveries (under supervision of course) in 6 months in my next sem and i think i'll get more experience then.

Breakdown....uh oh...

2010-07-23T09:17:00.002+05:30

Last Saturday night i took a self-assessment test and i scored low, i pacified myself saying i still have time to go... but you know mind is a funny thing it just refused to listen to rational part of me. I had this big lump sitting in my throat that refused to go away no matter what i did, i couldn't concentrate at all. So i did one of the 3 things that are known to relax me ( dancing, exercising and a cold shower ), yep i took a shower. But it didn't work out this time... i ended up crying there and i came out with all swollen red eyes and decided to start reading better. But you see my mother, she can see through almost anything ( i've gone home for the next few weeks, mom stayed back to help me... pathetic no??? i know but still nothing compares : )!! ) She took one look at me and made me spill everything. i felt loads better after telling her everything. You know when i first thought about writing this post i was in the shower and what i was thinkin then was totally different.

I was thinking, i wanted pain......no craving pain, i was in such a bad state usually i'm not like that i just pick up where i've left off and continue. i wanted to be marked, i've never felt like that before. and not just pain for the sake maintenance or anything like that, i needed a punishment. i needed to know i've given my due and all i can do is go forward. Luckily for me i had someone to put me back into my right state of mind, i don't know what i would have done otherwise.
Today, i'm slightly more confident and putting in 12hours per day. In addition to reading for my exam, i have to catch up with my course work, so it's going to be very tight. hopefully by August end it'll be better!
I think i've broken some personal record of mine by reading continuously without a break in these few days... i just hope my exam goes well, that's all i'm asking : ) ..... tall order if you ask me!
I don't know when i'll get time to post again see y'all....

Emotions plaguing me.

2010-07-12T20:52:00.000+05:30

6 weeks, 42 days left for me....
I think i mentioned a couple of weeks earlier that i was in my Community health rotation, the thing about this particular rotation is that most med students don't tend to take them seriously as a result of which the department is generally pissed with all of us and makes our life hell. They make us do all crap assignments and write records. Most of the assignments i love to do, even the record isn't so bad, but here's the thing that i really hate DATA ANALYSIS. Yup, i really hate it. Infact i don't like math much, the only reason i scored 97% in my high school math with trignometry, calculus and the like is because of my teacher (he's absolutely great and always had a great way of explaining things); but all this was 3 years back, i'm kinda out of touch now. So when the dreaded data analysis was given to my group i totally freaked, i knew this was absolutely going to spoil my weekend ( I hate it when i'm right in such instances!) and going to cut into my much needed study time. I ended up spending the whole of Saturday afternoon, evening and Sunday afternoon doing it. But what really screwed with my mood was the rest of my batch mates who didn't get data analysis were attending an intercollege quiz. So yesterday after watching FIFA final, i turned in hoping today would be better. But today morning my friend got pissed with me over something minor, i apologised to her like a 100 times. She says it's ok, but i can feel i really hurt her and she's not over it. But i really didn't think she would feel bad by what i did, i didn't know it was so important to her, and she didn't tell me anything about it before.
This afternoon I sat with the book in front of me not concentrating at all, my mind kept going back to her reaction earlier, i just couldn't let it go, i considered calling her up and apologising once more but i thought that would be irritating so i left it. Try as i might, i couldn't shut my mind up from calling me a selfish bitch. I was near tears and i thought 'fuck, i don't have time for this'. And then the biggest blunder of all I went to the computer and downloaded a romance novel and read it for the whole afternoon and evening. Had i cribbed about this and continued reading it wouldn't have been 7 hours of wasted time, which i can't afford! my time table has collapsed and i don't know what to do, i'm just so confused, frustrated, irritated, jealous ( that my other friends didn't have to do data analysis), guilty, bitchy and snarly and SCARED! what have i done!!
NO TIME. no time. no time..... * sobbing*

EMOTIONS ARE MESSY, I HATE THEM....

Emotion turning back on itself, and not leading on to thought or action, is the element of madness.
~John Sterling

People Pleasing

2010-07-04T23:52:00.001+05:30

Ok to start of, hope you all have a Happy 4th of July !
This week has been good for me at college, just ok with my reading... gotta bump it up!
Anyway how many of you know 2 languages. Can you speak another language? fluently? There was this health camp, and the residents were asking for volunteers to do it. I didn't even think twice, i just raised my hand ( stupid me, shoulda gotten all the details!). Ok for you to properly understand this I'll have to go back in time. I was brought up in a number of countries, as a result of which English is what i speak most fluently, however it is neither my mother tongue nor the National language of my country. In fact, i had delayed milestones in the speech area, so my mother just decided to teach me English. So complicated.... to put a long story short, we don't speak our mother tongue at home but rather the vernacular language of the place we are living in and........ English. Since i shifted schools quite often, i had to learn 2 languages. I studied the National language till 5th grade and French from then on ( not that i remember High School French all that well...). So basically it's 5 languages:
English
National language
Vernacular language
Mother tongue
French
(and 1 yr of an ancient language only in scripts.)
As a result of which i can only read, write and speak fluently in English. If i can speak one language, i can't write it and if i can read it i can't speak it fluently.
So back to the health camp, it has to be given in the vernacular language ( which is no problem, since i can speak it). But then they asked me to make a presentation on Diabetes and Hypertension ( Uh Oh! Big trouble, i can't read or write the vernacular language)...........
But since i had already raised my hand,....... Well i couldn't back down! ( ok ok it was a matter of pride and the tinsy winsy matter that i wanted to impress my project guide....)
So i get the presentation made with the help of my friends and the residents, then i go back to my room, call up my father and say "I NEED YOUR HELP!". Dad called me up and was working with me so that i could phonetically note down all that was on the slide in English. I made him stay up until 12! Ah the things that we put our parents through........
But it was all worth it in the end, i got the extra credit, the presentation went on well (except for the mispronunciation of just one word). I was just relieved in the end! I'm never going to put my foot in my mouth again! It stinks : )

Thinking back now, i realised there were much easier ways to get that credit without putting everybody through the paces. There were other things i could have done but no, i had to go for the toughest one. I came to the conclusion that because i wanted to please my guide so much i jumped in without giving thought to the consequences and without thinking it through. And this isn't the only instance, I've done it many many times. In school, it was the teacher and parents i wanted to please. So " good grades " here i come.... When it came to choosing my profession and college. Again Dad came into the picture (I love him, but he can be sooooooooooo pushy at times, very frustrating) He wanted me to be a doctor. ( He's a doctor, my sister is a doctor, my brother-in-law is a doc, i think you get the trend here) It's not that i didn't want to go to med school. It's just that i wasn't given the choice or the chance to see my other options. I had my college and profession picked out ( of course nothing but the most prestigious college in the country and of course nothing but the profession he considers the most prestigious). As usual with expectations present i aced the entrance exams and got into the college. I do like med school and i do know i can be a good doc. But i can't help but wonder if i would have been much better at something else i loved. "That something" has sadly never been explored. And at this point I'm not going to because it's just going to mess up my mind.
So from now on, i need to think why i do what i do? is it good for me? do i really want this?
But pleasing people is so ingrained in me, i don't know I'm doing it half the time. *sigh* good or bad? to be changed or not? What's your take?

A couple of things that i want to mention...

2010-07-01T16:59:00.000+05:30

First i want to thank sin for taking the time to mention me in her post Searching for Dominance
next i've decided to post once a week till my exams are over in August, then i'll get back to posting 2-3 times a week.
Mostly i'll be posting on Sundays. But i want tell all of you that even if i don't comment on your blogs i'm definitely reading them and will try to find the time to come and comment on them somehow!
My next post is on PEOPLE PLEASING.

Dilemma

2010-06-30T11:15:00.000+05:30

There is an intercollege basketball match coming up soon, everybody is calling me to play! And i want to go but my exam is coming and i haven't gone for regular practice sessions in a while!! :( so confused......
should i go or shouldn't i???

Politics! worst timing...

2010-06-25T00:48:00.002+05:30

just when reading for my exam is heating up, something has to come and spoil it... past 3 days have been full of books and mugging.

Yesterday evening at about 5, i got a call from my project co-guide asking whether i was coming for the ethics committee meeting, i asked her " What meeting?"... The ethics meeting is a big deal, it's when all the big shots of the hospital get together and figure out all sorts of weird reasons to get your research project laid out, you have to be totally prepared. I mean like extreme preparation, they will fire questions at you that you have to answer without hesitation. And here i am getting this call about the most imp meeting 5 min before it is going to start. Apparently she forgot to tell me, so she told me that she'd speak to the head of the ethics committee and try to get it postpone to Monday for me. After keeping the phone down i'm still reeling from the news. i mean i get to meet her often in college, i check my mail regularly and she even has my cell phone no. and she tells me only 5 min before the meeting! Only faculty get the circular about the dates of all these meetings, there was no way i could have known earlier without her telling me. Then the next day, i hear from my friends that there was a big fight in the department between her and the HOD ( who just happens to be the guide for the very same project ) Who am i kidding? it's all so surreal. i thought all this jealous bullshit happened only in movies, apparently they do even in real life.Turns out she purposely didn't tell me because she wanted to embarass my guide. Today she called me and told me that from now on everything would be dealt by him and she wouldn't be overseeing my project anymore ( the worst part is that, she really was the only one helping with my project, he didn't give a damn about it and just signed the proposal when i asked him to) and that i was to prepare a power point by tomo, so that i could go over it once with him. One day time? i mean seriously that is cutting it short, i have to prepare the slides and go over the protocol for the project and do a zillion other things by tomo. Anyway what could i do, so i said i would be there and hung up the call. Turns out at this point, i still don't know the full details. It seems what i knew was just the tip of the iceberg, the whole dept. has turned against him and 3 cases have been filed against him... and one of them is sexual harassment by my co-guide against my guide. I'm in the middle of their fight and that's just getting me pissed.

It seems he has a standing order that she is never to be alone in his presence without another person to prove that he isn't assaulting her. Sometimes i swear the drama going on here is so much more worse than soap operas! i feel like banging my head against the wall! Why O Why did i have to choose him as my guide, why did i have to chose Community health as the subject of my choice? Why me? ( the why me part at least i can forget but) Why now? esp when i just started studying properly!
Both the intra-departmental politics and the timing sucks............ :(

last coherent post...$%^&@#!

2010-06-21T23:57:00.000+05:30

I think today is the last day i will be posting something readable for the next 9 weeks. i got up today morning and realised i have only 2 months for my exams. the next 2 months i don't care about anything

i read , read, read ,read and read if i remember to eat then i eat. if i fall asleep i set enough alarms to wake the whole neighborhood, i have a feeling i'm going to be a zombie. it's been told that the human brain can retain any amount of information, it just requires trainin. Well it looks like i'm going to test that theory, these 2 months are total absolute cramming and mugging. i don't even think i'll have time to breathe.
hence this will be my last coherent post..... i'm sorry if i don't comment in the blogs i regularly follow, but i'll be back on Aug 23rd.
here after, whatever you find in my blog is going to be total gibberish. i'm going to post stuff that i keep forgetting so that i can revise in the last minute. whatever i learnt that day will be in the blog, so excuse me for my craziness for the next 2 months. i'm sure i'll be back to normal when the exam is over.
Right now i've got this blank stare as though nothing matters to me!!!!! the smiley depicts it the best

And i just realised something, nothing (thing not person) is more important for me than this exam.
so i'm zoning out into a different world, where i doubt anyone can reach me, except a person called 'medical info' So bye........!
I WILL BE BACK.

LOVE - What comes around goes around! or does it?!

2010-06-19T22:38:00.003+05:30

I'm just soooooooooooo pissed, my best friend has been crying for over a week now, she's not sleeping properly, not studying when she has exams and just not herself! She's been watching movie after movie, reading novel after novel, browsing profile after profile in facebook, well you get my point. She's trying to escape...........
It all started a few months back, she was in regular contact with one of her guy friends on phone until one day he comes out and says that he loves her. she was shocked and hung up, then he calls up and tells her to forget about it and they continue talking as though nothing has happened for a few weeks. Then she breaks down and tells she loves him, he goes silent (doesn't it just figure?). Anyway a lot of drama happened in between and they just dance around the issue, even though i'm pretty sure both of them love each other.
Fastforward to present week, they were chatting normally when his friends made a call to her from his cell and started teasing her. They weren't out in the open as BF-GF (boyfrnd, girlfrnd), so she didn't know what to say she told them to shut up and cut the call. Apparently he is pissed she didn't tell them that she is his GF (huh??? go figure) He's not answering her calls, and when she called from a diff cell he just said that he is busy. It's been like this all week and i told her to just shut it for now and that he would come to his senses, i mean how can't he love my best frnd (Grrrrrrrrrr). JERK
Last night she was crying so badly that i had to hide her cell and make her sleep in my room 'cause it was so long since she had slept, she was just sittin there staring at her cell for the whole week. And today morning i pulled her to play basketball. she was better today for most part atleast. I told her to just put all thougts out and read, she has a test tomo. Then she told me you just can't shut your mind from emotions like that, and i simply laughed at her (this was the girl who told me with conviction that she was not going to fall in love one yr back). She was laughing and crying when she told me that i would understand when i fell in love, well not quite in those exact words. Her exact words were "one day you'll fall in love no? i'll see then". I shut up so quickly that i could only stare. I sobered up and then told her that it was just a passing phase and that he wouldn't be a jerk for long. She laughed and said that he would be her lovable jerk!

Guys-------- so frustrating! ( no offense )

END OF RANT

Anyway coming back to the topic - LOVE

My parents have been together for 27 years, i've seen them fight (i have pacified lots of their fights...), laugh, argue and enjoy life.
their anniversary got over recently, you'll be surprised to know they had an arranged marriage, it just goes to prove you find love in the most unexpected of times and places.

So how was it for all of you?
When did you fall in love? Was it like a tornado or was it a gradual build up? Love at first sight?

your love story pls............ :)

Goofing around

2010-06-17T00:58:00.002+05:30

I've been goofing around for the past few days and wasting time i generally can't afford to waste. But most of all i've made a conscious effort to reduce my lies. there were some days when i just couldn't help it. It would slip out so quickly and i can't take it back cause it's too late. but after thinkin about it i've started lying less. it made me feel damn good : ) hope i can keep it up.
i promised i'd get back to you on how i was living in the moment, i can say that i honestly tried to live in the moment but *sigh* i ended up planning *oops*.....
And it went back again into that vicious cycle!
Yeah i know, what should i do to myself!
on a different note i would like some advice on how to handle this situation,
there's a guy who was my classmate in high school, he barely spoke to me, we weren't chummy friends and all. i just knew his name is all. then on graduation day, he gave me his slam book and asked me to fill it. i was like ok, i'll do it, but was puzzled since we've never been close. in that book he'd written his 'proposal' to me. i was kinda shocked. i mean come on i was in high school, i've never spoken more than two sentences to him and he has written "i love you" , "do you accept it or not".
I didn't know what to do, so i just filled it up and gave it back to him not answering that question. (i made a big mistake of giving my phone no.) then he rang up and asked me again. i told him no, and that i barely knew him if he wanted we could be frnz. he made his cousin call up and propose again on his behalf ...?!
Now 3 and half yrs later he's still messagin (he never calls up or speaks to me directly) me regularly with cheesy love forwards. i keep telling him no but he doesn't back off. Yesterday after nearly 2 yrs he called me on my phone, i was having dinner at that time ( no cell phones allowed durin dinner) so it was a missed call.
ok i don't want to hurt his feelings but seriously this has got to stop.... i dunno what to do about it!

Lies and half-truths...

2010-06-11T16:26:00.001+05:30

Well, i'm back to college - 7th semester. I'm posted in emergency medicine now. Marks for the prev sem are out. i did well in one subject not so good in the other two. gotta do better this sem.....
Anyway i was thinking about what to post and i came up with Lies and Pushing my limits. I decided to go with Lies since it's the most pressing one esp for me...

I find myself lying a lot these days, keeping a lot of secrets. I don't like it but am i doing anything about it ? No. And the things i've started lying about are really ridiculous. Before i just used to lie about things that i didn't want anyone to know. Now it's become such a bad habit that its out of my mouth so fast, before i can even think about telling the truth. I lie about insignificant things also nowadays. It all started with my addiction to romance novels. In the beginning they were just a way to relax, later it became an obsession. Then when i tried to stop reading, i couldn't. I asked for help a number of times, stopped reading a couple of times but ended up reading again. I was so ashamed that when i started reading again i didn't tell that person again, and the lies started again. I have become such a consummate liar that even my mother can't make out the difference between my lies and the truth, she told me so this time during my hols. She told me that she was trusting me to do the right thing and would believe me. I've lied to her, to my friends, to a lot of people......
Even now i am tempted to say that i haven't read a book since i started this blog but that would be a lie.
I want put a clean slate behind me and start over, to tell my parents and friends and all those who helped me the truth. But that means, i've already broken the trust that they have placed in me. They'd start doubting everything that i say and i don't think i could bear that! I'm a coward. It's easy to admit your feeling to strangers (no offense to all of you, but i haven't met all of you. your just people on the net to me), easy to write about it. But to change it? It would have to start with me stopping this addiction/obsession whatever.....
One of the important things in any relationship is trust. And the few warning signs that any relationship is in trouble is lack of communication and keeping secrets. And i have enough secrets to last me a life-time!!!

Living in the moment

2010-06-06T15:48:00.000+05:30

This week has been full of thinking for me. That brain of mine just won't stop. I've realised it's going around in a vicious cycle.

get worried
start reading
get overwhelmed with portion
so start planning
then feel relieved that it is doable
hence postpone
stop reading
and get worried again!!!

So i've decided to give my *thinking* brain some rest and i am not going to plan. I am just going to be in the moment. I am going to work to reduce my resistance so that living in the moment comes naturally, focus my brain to the present whenever i get distracted. it doesn't matter what i'm doing but i should live in the PRESENT.
Will let you all know how my 'living in the present' works out next week.
Till then i'll be posting about different things

PS: 3 weeks are almost up! I can't believe my vacation is over...........

The NOW DISEASE!

2010-06-03T03:31:00.000+05:30

I am sure most of us are afflicted with this particular disease. This is something researchers have not 'researched' enough on. There is a vaccine but it is still in its trial stages....

But here goes Alujna's remedy for the *NOW DISEASE*

We all want to achieve things immediately; some of us put the effort, the rest of us don't. Regardless very few of us think about the long-term consequences of our action or inaction. Yes indeed, even inaction has consequences. . .
I was reading a site Goals to Action by Roger Constandse and i read an article about getting focused. I think it was pretty good. The point i loved best was looking at 'the big picture'. You got to step back and sometimes take a look at it and ask yourself why am i here in the first place. And then your answers become clearer. Your actions suddenly seem more meaningful. Your interest sparks and your back on the right track.
But the initial spark can wear off and you are once again left hanging.
Setup reminders to do things that light your spark regularly.
Split the bigger long term goal into a smaller one, but make sure that each small goal has at least a small gift as well!
So, instead of just one big reward at the end of the big goal ( that always seems so so far away ), you get a jumbo offer! One with plenty of free gifts....
This is a combo of instant gratification and long-term strategy. You ARE in effect TRICKING your mind into believing that you are getting what you deserve right now when in reality the reward is actually at the end and all these are freebies.
Hence my comparison with a vaccine ( where you trick your body into building a defense while introducing dead pathogens ). So you have now built a defense against instant gratification.

Take a look at the bigger picture, spark your engine, turn your key and drive to your final destination i.e, your long-term goal !!! Everytime you feel like you are going to stray remind yourself of the reward you are going to get NOW!

I am proud to say...

2010-06-01T03:23:00.001+05:30

THAT i haven't watched anything other than news, music and discovery channel on TV for 1 week.... I also have not read a novel in more than 1 week (which by itself is a big feat for me!!). I have always had problems controlling myself from doing things i like (one of the reasons i have never tried alcohol or cigarettes and never will, 'cause I'm scared i won't stop). Even though i did not enjoy, i didn't read much either. It was better than before but still not with the same enthusiasm i read a novel (or the same energy i study before an exam).

It's proven that exercise releases endorphins and elevates your mood. This is something with immediate results, i mean every time i finish my exercise i can literally feel the afterglow. So, it's easier to force myself to exercise especially knowing that my day will be much better. However, when the results are not prompt,,,,,
THAT'S WHEN MY PROBLEM ALL STARTS!
I never have problems when the end result is instantaneous. Like cleaning my room, exercising, reading for a test the next day (esp when portions are less and marks can be easily scored ); well anyway you get my point.
The later the gratification, the less motivated i am...
I have to think of a way to overcome this. That will be my next post.

In the mean time any ideas you have to help me are most welcome!!

Coping mechanisms...

2010-05-28T02:35:00.002+05:30

Recently i came across a question while doing a Q-bank for usmle; they had given a scenario and asked us to identify the defense mechanism,,,, ok so this is the first i heard about the various ways to cope! i mean seriously who knew that there were so many different ways! When i opened my behav. sc. book, i was shocked, there were at least dozen ways mentioned and they were even classified into mature and immature coping behavior... *wow*

The mature mechanisms were
humor- making jokes in tense situations
altruism- guilt alleviated by generosity
sublimation- Eg. aggressive impulses used to succeed in business ventures
suppression- voluntary witholding of an idea or feeling from conscious awareness

Today i am going to blog about one in particular, one that i identify with SUPPRESSION
I mean seriously could you profile me any better, even the best FBI profiler can't think of a better noun to label me! I have utterly shut down my conscience when it comes to my studies! And it's seriously killing me but it looks like my conscious awareness has gone on a prolonged vacation. . .
When once i used to top my class, i am now an average performer. and the worst part is i know i can do better. when people all around me seem to be suffering from lack of confidence, i have too much confidence! * and misplaced at that* It is very dangerous in my profession to be confident in areas that u actually don't know all that well. My worst fear is doing harm to the patient due to my over-confidence or my average knowledge. I don't think it is acceptable to pass with an average score, when an excellent one will help u be a better doctor and treat ur patient better!
I consciously keep pushing imp assignments to the very end and have stopped feeling guilty about them! Same goes for tests! When once i used to prepare for hours everyday, i now prepare for a few hours 2 days before the test. Although i haven't failed, my marks are not acceptable to me..... or to the quality of care i want to provide to my patients.
So there goes.. Suppression, it definitely has affected my life and not in a good way. Feelin' guilty can be good. the day u stop being guilty is the day u have to worry about 'cause that's when u don't have any remorse for what u've done.
Ironically, the example given in the text for suppression goes like this :
- Choosing not to think about the USMLE until the week of the exam..
In some ways guilt certainly is a good thing

ps. : i vow to be within the top 10 in my class by the end of this year.
hopefully knowing my problem i can tackle it !

Back on my feet!

2010-05-23T16:12:00.004+05:30

Well it's French Open time and my fav Grand slam of the year! ( of course i am partial, 'cause Nadal is really good on clay ;-) he he he). With the start of Roland Garros i can honestly say my spirits are up. 2 weeks till final and I'm going to watch all Nadal matches. Meanwhile, I'm back to following the rules (which i started following earlier, but had a hiatus in between) and with that a measure of calm. Routines calm me. So i got a lot of reading done, in fact I'm done with behavioral science, yaay :) !!!! Of course i didn't get all this done that easily, now where would the fun be in that. I had to fight with my mom over something perfectly reasonable and acceptable, just 'cause she fought with me over something ,again, perfectly reasonable and acceptable (to me) * being childish* and of course hugged and kissed at the end of it....... kinda trivial but still managed to get my mood down. But like i said Alujna is backkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. ( And tanx BabyMan, your comment helped loads ).
During this time i got to think about all the things that helped me get back, for future reference of course *wink*. And so voila, things to get your feet back on the ground :-

Start doing your work, even if it is tough at first, even if your thoughts keep nagging you, get back to it, you'll find that what was a big issue before is of course nothing now!
Resist all thoughts about everything else, tell yourself you will get back to the problem at a later date and continue, allot sometime for it in the future and make sure all you think about is your current job.
Then persist, even when you feel it's boring and want to back to the past to whatever got you down, remind yourself that you have allotted some time in the future for it and now is not the time to analyse it. *at some point of time you won't remember it, but your mind is a tricky thing, you will start to consciously remember. And these conscious thoughts you can avoid or at least postpone to the allotted time*
Enjoy what you are doing... do it with zest and enthusiasm, mood goes up.....!
Excel at what you are doing, when you put your conscious thoughts to doing your best, you automatically forget about anything else except the present.

Finally face your issue in the allotted time (and not longer), think about it see what went wrong, talk to someone about it, and never forget to ask for help after all we are human.

P.S.: on a sad note, I want to offer my condolences to all the families who lost their relatives in the Air India flight crash in Mangalore.

With my parents...

2010-05-21T18:13:00.001+05:30

Sometimes i get so frustrated i just wanna scream.
i don't get it, they don't understand me. i mean why do they have to contradict everything i say.. i just feel so down. i thought i would get the boost i needed to start reading properly but i just feel more down. saw 2-3 movies on TV,,,,, and that is saying something. I haven't watched tv in over 5 months. i just hate it. and i watch it to avoid my work. i don't know when i started dreading to read, it kinda sucks. plus i gotta exam coming up. And it's life deciding. very very imp exam. I HAVE TO READ. i can't stress that point enough to myself and still i dunno why i'm avoiding it. Am i scared of work? That doesn't make sense 'cause i love knowledge. i love tidbits of info. infact i'm an info junky. give me anything written and i'll read it. I'm just weirded out. Any suggestions to help me....

if possible pls do mail me at

alujna.m.annis@gmail.com

Vacation....

2010-05-18T10:57:00.002+05:30

Hi everybody,
I just finished my 6th semester, got 3 weeks holidays!!!!!!!

I am going to the gulf to stay with my parents. Hopefully i can cram some stuff for my USMLE exam. I just finished my pediatric surgery quiz today. It was sorta wierd with all names of people rather than procedures .... Anyway i don't think i'll be able to keep up blogging at the same pace as now. Maybe once a week. I'm going to miss blogging, eventhough i started only recently, it's kinda become like a habit.
See ya all
- p.s. : my goal for these 3 weeks are to read for at least 7 hrs/day
lose 3 kgs ( kinda tough with mom's cooking )
go swimming or jogging or skipping at least once a day

A wonderful day!

2010-05-16T10:26:00.005+05:30

There's something i need to confess, i'm a 'plan freak'. I love planning.....* sigh*. Now, yesterday's plan was to get waxed, go shopping, visit my grand-pa, get my passport and ticket ( for my hols with my parents in the gulf), visit my aunts 'n uncles and my cousins and go out to meet my high school friends at 6 ( all of their semester exams just got over the previous day! ). Usually i love planning and following them ( except when it comes to studies, there i can honestly say i have never followed the entire time table perfectly), but yesterday's plan was an absolute flop.......!
After my classes got over early at 11, i fixed an appointment to get waxed at 12. At that time i didn't think about the scorching heat or the tan i was going to get riding my bike under the sweltering sun! Anyway i went to get waxed at 12, the appointment went smoothly and i left there at around 1.15 to go to my grand-pa's house for lunch. It was then that i realised that i left my cell phone at the hostel. When i came to the main road i had missed the turn and decided to take a short-cut ( it's my home town, so i thought what the heck how can i not know all the routes, man was that a disaster. And i didn't even have my cell phone to call up someone ). I ended up spending half an hour trying to get out of those tiny streets. Finally I found the main road, only it was on the other side of town... I took a short-cut to my college instead of taking one that took me to my grand-pa's place. At least i knew the way now, so i went back to the hostel since that was closer and decided to take my cell phone. That's when i started writing this post... And frankly at that point i wanted to title the blog as "Disaster". I thought i'd just have lunch at the mess, grab my cell and be on my way to meet my aunts n' uncles, but the Sun stopped me! So i took an afternoon siesta and went at around 4.

This is when my day continues to deteriorate even further. I had taken my bike and was waitin at the signal. I had turned it off to save petrol. And then the 'kicker', my vehicle stubbornly refused to start ! :( I kept on pushing the start button and then i gave up and started to kick start. I had to kick my bike at least some 20 times with everybody staring at me. I was so embarrassed. Finally after a vigorous shaking, it started up ( i think there was a petrol block).

[This pic is the closest i could find on the net showing a person kick starting their bike]

Sweating like a pig i continued to ride my bike to my aunt's place. At this point i had resigned myself to facing the worst and to expect the worst... But then i meet all of my relatives ( we are close ) and my mood lifted slightly. By the time i picked up my cousin to go meet our school friends, i was in a better mood. And the evening i spent with my friends was a blast.

My spirits were soaring when i left them meet my grand-pa. I took his blood pressure ( he is a hypertensive ) and it was almost normal! ( it hadn't been that way for the past 6 years). I was so happy when i went to my room and completed writing this post.

It goes to show you can only ever live in the present, no matter what your grief now, there's always the future! When your mood is down don't let it overwhelm you, 'cause i can guaran-damn-tee there will be better times in future. Live for them :-)!!!!

Trapped in my mind

2010-05-13T22:07:00.001+05:30

I seem to be continuously thinking about why i am addicted to romance novels. I keep psychoanalysing myself till the nth degree. And trust me that is not a good thing. A bit of it is fine and even good. But the way i keep going at it, i think i'll have a mind burn-out, if there is such a thing! Every time i keep second-guessing myself. I don't know what to do about it. One minute i am all set to go out and do my work and the next min i'm sitting in front of my comp and reading a novel. I keep bunkin' so many freakin' classes. I hope my attendance doesn't get too low or i might not be allowed to write my exams. It's so pathetic. I am starting to hate that i can't control myself, but at the same time i am freer and more calmer than i have felt in years.......

I am really enjoying myself. I love reading novels, it's a passion and i'd love to write one someday. I started writing one the other day but felt it was not my true writer spirit. It felt as though i was trying to emulate some writer i already know and lacked the fire. I want to try out writing but now i'm stuck in a career i might love doing but certainly hate learning. Being a doctor is like a dream and a nightmare rolled into one.

I really wanted to try journalism but now i know that is not my thing. That's another problem with me i seem to keep changing my mind ever so often. I dunno whether it is a passing fancy or the real thing. SO CONFUSED!

But no matter what i am not a quitter, i will finish my degree if it is the last thing i do. I have to give my USMLE exams this August and that's just 3 months and 8 days away...COUNTING DOWN !!! scary...

I just hope someone puts the fear of God in me or at the very least the fear of exams in me.
The first thing i gotta do is stop reading so many self-help books. I mean they are fine but no point in readin different authors and getting the same views, only to end up not following a single thing.
From all my psychoanalysing i'll give you 3 things i've never read anywhere:
To be successful you need 3 things:

1. Be open-minded, only then genuine ideas can come into your mind. no matter who you are or who your friends are , you have to tackle the heart of the problem. Means you cannot be an honest judge of character, opinion, or for that matter your ownself if you are not open-minded. Don't let the jail bars block you, let your mind slip between them the world around you is endless.....

So start something new.

2. Continue what you are doing. Maintenance of anything can be expensive and labour intensive. Remember never give up. If you slip, climb up. Don't worry even if you are bitten by the snake when your at no. 98. There will always be another ladder to take you to no. 99, but you have to roll the dice!

3. Don't let it stagnate or it'll stink! Improve what you have. There's always room for improvement. Try learning new tricks. And don't forget to teach it to someone. Knowledge gained if not shared is lost with you alone. Make the world a better place. Share your umbrella. And always remember to appreciate what you already have.

Addiction- either in or out!

2010-05-12T02:44:00.002+05:30

You must know something about addicts....., they are intense. There's nothing half way about them. They are either in or out. Addiction is that craving or urge that compulsive need to do something that you know is going to harm yourself or others.
People usually consider addictions like drugs, alcohol, smoking or gambling serious. But what they fail to realise is addictions can be even in small things like chocolate or shopping or even sex! It doesn't matter that there are no physical effects to the addiction as in alcohol or drugs, where you have withdrawal reaction and all. What matters the most about addictions is your mental psyche. It does not matter that you take a lot of chocolate or even spend a lot on shopping. What matters is when you realise that you have spent that much and when you try to control it the next time.
Now there can be two outcomes:
One you can stop yourself from spending money by feeling guilty about it or by just consciously reminding yourself that you should not spend , you should not spend, YOU SHOULD NOT SPEND! ( but there's a downside to this, the more you remind yourself not to do it the more you crave it...)
Two you fight an internal battle with yourself and spend money despite your guilt.
The former happens when you've got a strong 'inner voice' and the latter when you have a small one..
so all you have to do is tune up your 'inner voice' a bit and voila...There you are all set to go.
Now you are never tempted to get addicted. You'll automatically clamp down on any feelings that you have on that subject. Avoid all your triggers until you settle into a routine.
And that is another cornerstone to success: good habits!

Got cancelled!

2010-05-10T16:46:00.001+05:30

Yaay... My exam got cancelled guys, i am so happy. it is postpone to wed. Thank God! I promise to read better this time. Only a fool would waste a second chance .......And i am not a fool; at least i hope so!!!
So today's lesson, is about second chances and learning from your mistakes.

A wise man will learn from his mistakes, BUT A TRULY WISE MAN WILL LEARN FROM OTHER PEOPLE'S MISTAKES AS WELL.
What are you? A wise man or a truly wise.
Anyother options? NO, :-P ...........he he he
When you want to improve you have to set high standards for yourself. Like i said in my previous posts, we are only human, mistakes are ok but try to avoid them.
Now about second chances, when you do something wrong, you either do by mistake or on purpose. Either way, when you realise what you have done is wrong and you feel bad about it (remorse- at least a little bit), then you are on the path to correction. Notice i said on the path to, not corrected. Because it takes time to change. And that is a must, Change Change CHANGE for the BETTER !
So remember, to do something worthwhile you require time, money and the effort! Nothing you value comes without this. Use all the 3 in your 'second chance'

Test tomo - not tensed up?!

2010-05-10T00:25:00.001+05:30

I've got a test tomo. It's not a big one, still i should be studying for it.... but here i am blogging! I haven't touched my books since yesterday afternoon. Just totally avoidin' them......

You would think that I'd at least be scared about them. But i am long past the stage where i am worried about the results of a test. I am past the stage of caring. And the fact that i am not at all tensed about them despite not studying for them is a big prob....

I know i should develop an interest in what i am studying but that kind of works only in theory not really ( at least not for me). I love the subject i really do. But sometimes i just want the end result, with the knowledge in my head and the degree in my hand. LOL So that i can get to the part where i can help people and earn on my own without depending on my parents.

I personally think that feelin' a little bit scared before your test or exam is good. It helps keep you focused. Though some people might disagree with this. To each their own. That's the most imp. part; do what suits your personality.

But gettin' really tensed up is definitely bad, you'll forget or make blunders in your exam! Make sure you definitely avoid this....

The irresistable urge - due to triggers?

2010-05-09T10:09:00.001+05:30

I got about to thinking why i read that book yesterday even though i knew it would end up screwing with my schedule. I was going back to what i felt at that exact moment, i was reading something about love and thinking how nice it would be fall back on a person who loves you so much; then i felt this irresistable urge to just read one novel......it was so tempting. Plus i had a test coming up the next day. Tests always make me vulnerable. The day before the test is the day i am most likely going to succumb to readin romance.
In retrospect, everytime i went on a binge, the first book was the hardest to start readin. All the other books i just picked them up and read without guilt as the first crime had already been committed ( so what was the point i am going to face the consequences anyway, why not make most of the crime, STEAL EVERYTHING). That's some twisted logic, isn't it? But that's exactly how i feel. After my binge i start coming back to the real world and realise what i have done and then i feel frustrated again.... but 'cause i'm in college and have lots of projects and papers to submit to profs i just push myself to them. If i didn't have that reason then i almost 99% sure that i would slipped back into readin novels again!
Also everytime i get this urge, i usually think about or read something which sets off my trigger. This time it was a blog about love and how wonderful her husband was, that made me wistful. And that right there was my trigger. I am like a loaded gun waiting to go off.......

I just hope i can add the safety feature to my gun so that the next time i am triggered i don't go off and destroy my schedule of cards like that picture!!!!

Schedule - miss one and it tumbles down like a pack of cards!

2010-05-09T09:43:00.001+05:30

Yesterday, was absolutely horrible for me.... I didn't do anything according to my schedule. Everything I've done so far went down the drain. I was so tempted to just give up and stop writing the blog. But then i felt better today so i decided to continue. You know when everything starts collapsing for me? When i don't stick to the schedule. Then i start feeling dejected and just end up quitting. I get so frustrated that i end up doing something to totally forget about the world for sometime. Like how some people wallow in booze, i wallow in romance novels. Yesterday was so freaky for me that i ended up reading novels the whole night and slept only for 3 hrs during the day. I felt so lazy the whole day. The only time i actually felt good was when i danced for around 20 min. ( it always brings my spirits up).

The urge to just quit was so overwhelming. But then i realised that it is ok to slip once in a while. After all i'm only human. So here i am blogging today and rebuilding my stack of cards!!!! hope today is a better day!

Worst thing - last ?? or the other way?

2010-05-07T15:00:00.002+05:30

Yesterday, i started following my rules and i am pleased to see a general improvement im me! Except for 2 rules which i broke yesterday ie. not reading for 3 hrs and internet time >1 1/2 hrs use ( which of course will be punished accordingly ), it was a good day for me. I did a lot of things which i would have ordinarily not done. And i kept a white board in my room, with all the daily rules written on it. Until the rules become so ingrained in me that they are second nature, i will keep ticking the things completed in my daily list on the white board. It keeps staring at me, seeming to tell , finish this first! :-)
So, now back to today's topic. One of the main reasons i didn't finish my 3hrs study is because i kept postponing it throughout the day. In the end i started only at 9.45 pm. I read for 1 hour properly and then took a break which ended only when the power was cut! ( we have scheduled power cuts here to conserve electricity, it goes off 3-4 times a day ). Anyway, what i realised was if i had started reading in the morn then even if i had taken a break i would have completed by night.
Instead i read a story book, wrote my blog, danced and basically did everything to postpone the moment until the very end. And finally i ended up not completing it.
According to one blog i read, we maximum energy in the morning. So things we don't like will be completed if we do them in the morning rather than postponing them throughout the day.
So work before you play, then you'll enjoy your leisure time even more because it will have been earned. You'll appreciate the value of time and make the most of even your spare time.
Nothing will make you notice time better than doing something you don't like, nothing will make you appreciate it better.
Like i said people, TIME IS TICKIN', START WORKIN'!!!!

PS: that 1 hr that i read made a huge difference, i answered better than anyone at class. It was sooooooooo cool :-)

Following rules...

2010-05-06T11:15:00.001+05:30

I must admit that after starting this blog, I have read only one novel so far and that in itself is a good thing 'cause i usually read 3-4 in one day. So, it felt good to have so measure of control and to do something constructive.
Anyway back to the today's blog, following rules.... Let's just say that you are given a set of rules and asked to follow them without question, then what would you do ?
Half of us would follow without question and the other half would not even attempt to follow.
Now for those half of us who don't follow rules, consider yourself in a situation where you gain something if you follow; again half of us would follow depending on what we gain and the rest wouldn't.
Again for the half of us who hold rules in utter contempt, would you follow them if you were punished ? Think about it. Almost everyone follows if there is a punishment. The more severe the punishment, the better the 'Rule Following'.
This is called negative motivation and works most of the time, however if you were to do something like this without knowing the reason and blindly following then when you are the punisher yourself it isn't going to work. And there comes our very own 'punisher' = 'conscience'.
This holds true for anything and everything. As long as we are at home or school, our parents and teachers are our punishers. But once we leave them we are on our own and there comes our problem........
So, I am starting to learn how to be a punisher..........
Having said them, I am going to list all the rules, I am following in another page check them out.
In another page I am going to list all my punishments and treats with the date, hope this helps me and you guys..
Until tomorrow.